Monday, September 14, 2015

Things fall apart...

Sometimes I just don't feel witty.  I, if you can imagine, do have deep thoughts.  At times.  I often wish I could blog under a different name that can't be connected to my lil ole life so that I might air my dirty laundry and yet keep my clothesline looking crisp.

Make sense?

I'm private.  Protected. Resilient to say the least.

When other's talk to me, they all think they know me and that is probably one of the only guilts I carry because it's an unfair friendship or acquaintance.  I talk about everything and anything, I'm out there, wide open and in full gear.  But never, never is my surface scratched; if only by accident but the blemish is sure to be buffed out immediately.

What I'm trying to say is, I'm tired.

Tired of pretending.  Tired of playing by other's rules that don't allow me to play and smile and run with the wind while I still have legs beneath me.  I'm exhausted from worrying about another's happiness at the expense of mine and my pidglet's joy.

People are good and others are bad.  Black and white. Yen and yang. But in the end and often in the beginning, things just fall apart.  Things never came together.  Tides turn, whatever you're comfortable with labeling it.  Often there are not right and wrongs.  

There is happiness and there is not.

I choose happiness.  I choose to save myself to be a stronger, better and healthier me for the long run.  No regrets.  I can honestly say I've done my best.  But I'm not accountable for another's choices.  I can't change them, give them the desire to be a different person or have different feelings or change their lack of emotion for that matter.

It is possible for there to be no fault; simply different needs or even a deficit in motivation.

Love is beautiful.  Indifference is more terrible than hate.

I have found you cannot fix another, not really.  They first must have the desire to be repaired and then it is within them that the power is found.  I being adept to cupping "wounded birds" in my hands and holding them closely was slow in learning this.  I can only hope I've helped to bandage a few wounds along the way for another to fly once more.

Without judgement, or disappointment or even tears, sometimes letting go is the healthiest thing you can do for one that cannot change his ways.

Is it fair to hold on to someone that you will not, by choice, make happy knowing their needs are more than you are willing to give?

But - as equally as the above is unjust is it then alright to remain with someone and continually ask for what you know they will not give due to lack of desire, love or emotion?  

Begging the void to fill you; I think the horse might be dead, put the paddle down Pidg.

I adore, treasure, love and forever cherish the changes I have been blessed to experience in myself while having this individual be part of my life.  Connections still and I suspect will always run deep between the two of us. Well, for me anyway.  I've raised him, supported him and cared for him through it all. He has taught me to choose wiser and let go of the smaller things, breathe through the things I can't change and love deeper, ironically.

Things fall apart, pieces scatter and lives move in separate directions.

But... time, change, circumstances heal - so does praying.  The latter being the most likely solution to a mend.

Although I was the one left standing, blinded by the truth I so desperately hoped was not to follow; he quietly spoke the words... "I'm leaving you..."

I'll be sweeping up the broken pieces to a failed attempt of a faded dream.  Not giving up. Relinquishing the choke-hold I held on that poor man.  Why he stayed so long, I guess I will never know.  That good and kind man I will truly, forever, and without resentment love for all of time.

Left without a choice, I have finally let go...and it's okay.




Loves,
  Pidg

3 comments:

  1. Xoxoxo
    Prayers for you. Always be real.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Omg! I have chills and I feel like the floor was ripped out from under me! I was ready to reply with the usual... I could have wrote this and I can totally relate and then I got to the end. I'm so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Huge hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  3. You are wiser than.most. know that you are loved by many. Of this i am sure, I am one. You are amazing. Carol

    ReplyDelete

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