Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Looking up...

So here's the thing.  I've been wanting to start writing again; not sure why just got that feeling.  I certainly didn't expect to make my splash back into the pond by way of the title "Things fall apart" but... it happens.

All I know as of right now is things fall apart and almost instantly the pieces miraculously start creating this new puzzle - a life - my life - the one I lost track of.

Everyone is still asking, "Are you okay?"  Some, I am sure, are mocking me, believing rumors or just believing the bad in the ones that don't particularly care what they think.  Most, though, are sincere in their questions.

Hey guys... I am so much more than okay.  I promise.  "They" say I'm strong, "they" like to give me words of advice and comfort, tomorrow's another day...or... stay strong... or you've got this... or you deserve better...  and it's true... and I do... and I have better.

These past few weeks I've gotten my family back.  Oh please, yes we still are wild in manner and they argue about chores they don't want to do or the things others should be doing, but we are together.  Time spent, together.  No one is off in their room because they are made to feel uncomfortable or bothersome.  We laugh, we throw verbal darts just to get a rise out of each other, we eat, we sit on the porch and giggle.  The girls sit on the ledge just to see Moi panic thinking they're going to fall off.  We talk, we watch movies, we blast music and we move, we grow, we love.

I've been doing a series of daily mental checks on myself because I'm odd like that. Okay Pidg, are you compartmentalizing?  Are you bottling?  Are you suppressing feelings of pain and hurt and just attempting to look happy on the outside?

Umm... strangely, no. My smile is sincere, my walk is tall and my mind at ease.

I've received my closure; the closure I knew because of the behavior of one and the confirmation in a look from another and suddenly admission... then I felt the weight of 8,000 bricks fall off my shoulders like a bird released from it's egg.  I am not crazy. I am the lucky one with seedlings in my pocket and sun on my face.  I hold the privilege of regrowth, fresh air and new, empty pages to fill with stories of endless potential.

The pages of the book closed and it sits now on the shelf of my life waiting to be layered with years of dust.  The end.

I am blessed.  I have my family together, and I can support them, we stay in our house, our home that has been our place of refuge, peace, loud laughter and sharp wit.  We apologize for nothing.  We soak up the rays of the sun, the winds of Fall are whispering grins into our minds, the hope of what we can do with our lives when we all grow up is here; it's on the table for discussion.  I'm smiling as I'm writing - fingers to keys, pen to paper... I'm back.  I with my pidglets are on the road to recover something lost; our freedom.

And from where I'm standing, I can see it at the top.


1 comment:

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