Wednesday, September 23, 2015

To My Pidglets...

Oh you amazing and wonderful, ornery and independent loves of my life.  I'm feeling wise today... all motherly and such.  Okay maybe that's going a bit far.  However, while doing the dishes I asked one of you to do that you didn't... and not because I'm angry but because I love you... I started thinking - thinking about this.

Life is about change, trial, heartbreak and defeat.  Life is about triumph, success, goals reached and learning from the great and the not so good.  We have choices and I so hope that in all of my meddlesome flaws and cracked surfaces you find that in the matter of good and bad you remember that I always stood back up.

You're gorgeous physically and your guts are glorious too.  There are things, different things, in each of you I can lay a small claim to distributing to your DNA but mostly I see the future of what I want to become one day; once you're all done raising me.

We have an anthem in this family a motto of sorts, "SUCK IT UP AND BE A MAN"  By no means does this imply women aren't just as, if not stronger than men.  It's meant to be a way of life, an inspiration to not allow life to swallow you whole in all of it's twist turns, knives in the back and scraped knees.  And that my pidglets we do - and we do it well.

I see the potential in you that you don't have the years to acknowledge just yet.  I see the light in the darkened hallways of your heartbreaks and worries.  I feel your warmth when your souls are dampened.  While I've not ever been loved by a man, I am so truly loved, deeply loved, scream with laughter and tears type of adoration.  The irony is not lost on me.  But it's all because of you.  My beautiful plantlings that I will never turn my back on, never lose hope in and forever will you be my driving force - even when you've all flown the coop and spread those endlessly magnificent wings of yours.

In the past I have shared this and I believe it's time I rewrite, to share the growth our family has evolved to; just bear with me, I'm full of love right now just thinking of your treasured selves.

Bailey (Bai)

The Radiance:  She is the ray of warmth open arms, soft hands to wipe tears; a graceful voice of comfort.  Encouraging words, delivering support she is the right hand; the guardian to the throne.

McKenna (Moi  pronounced Moy)
The Healer: She sits quietly behind the scenes waiting to take her place.  She aids the tired bringing calm to the shaken soul.  Always there to pick up the pieces and stow them carefully in a small box of burden she keeps for all of us.

Hanna (Lil Red)

The Fire: She heats our cold spirits and lights our candles that diminish from strong winds of madness.  Her brightness illuminates our path and upon trudging towards a new journey, she always packs additional kindling.  Without her warmth, a cold winter we would bear.

Breelyn (Busy)

The Humor:  She fills our world with loud laughter and streams of smile.  Where there is ache, she crafts delight.  Loving giggles and mischief as a science, she quakes our world with vibrant color and whimsical spice.

Ethan (Lil “E”)

The Playful:  He stands close to all, watching, waiting for his opportunity to pounce.  With silly fits and tickling words, surprise attacks of love and thoughtful expressions, he reminds us it never remains dark.

Logan (Lil Man)

The Innocent:  He is a miracle of his own determination.  He brightens our trail with sweetness and iridescence cleansing our wounds he washes clean our worries setting free our troubles.

I have found that while my pidglets all posses the same talents as listed in the words above; they have evolved.  They have grown into warriors, fighters and protectors.  They have grown into themselves and what a presence they posses.

With that in mind, here is an updated love letter to my pidglets, the gifts of spice and wild-spirit I have been blessed to receive.

Bailey (Bai)

The Whisper:
She is the brightness from a darkened hallway. She has relinquished her post of sentry to the throne to cast upon her own head a glowing crown of thorn-less flowers. She seeks knowledge learning from the past, continually watching over her shoulder to insure we are safe. She has grown into her own life never leaving behind the family that sacrificed together, kept each other close; always making certain we know she is still here in spirit, in thought and in love.

McKenna (Moi – pronounced Moy)

The Sentry:
She has grown from the healer to The Guardian to the throne. She is self-appointed to the right hand of the Matriarch. Born into challenge she fights fearlessly to keep our sanity, our health and our bond. With wit as strong as a double edged sword she refuses to falter and never lets go of her duty as guard to those that kneel at her feet. Her love is deep, her compassion is her motivation. She feels, breathes in and absorbs the conflict; lashing out to the enemies that dare to threaten our peace. She is vigor, she is treasure, she is unknowingly the keeper of all.

Hanna (Lil Red)

The Fighter:
She is grounded but with large wings that will take her anywhere she desires to go in life. She is loyal and fiercely protective of her deepest loves. She is knowledge and she is strength; at times we pale in her shadow. She is conflicted, unable to see her potential; she is contradiction, standing on the line of what is right and what is real. She feels the ache of our pains so deeply. She will destroy, decimate and crush all that threaten our world; a world of spinning and swirling we have created together. She is laughter, she is love, she is steadfast. No one will be admitted without her approval. Her gloves are always off, she stands as she seems; a pillar of courage and the flame of warmth.

Breelyn (Busy)

The faithful:
While she holds to the laughter she possess within, she is now grasped the role of watcher. She is the mother-ling that attempts to speak her words of reason. Right or wrong she voices with authority sometimes forgetting she herself is a seedling. Her command is strong and her resilience is one with nature. Forgiving in the blink of an eye she only desires happiness for everyone. She is the illumination of hope and the seeker of all that is good. Her worries run deep, her nature is pure, her potential is endless. She is the keeper of records, ready to erase the pain and trials of others.

Ethan (Lil E)

The Knot:
He is the tie that binds us all together. He loves all and his roots are deeply planted. A boy who has become a man beyond his years in this home he listens and learns and becomes one with all. With a spirit that is unsure of himself he has grown into the glue that keeps us solid. In laughter and fits of ridiculousness he brings us close, he fights for his own voice, forever insuring we are never hurt or pricked by the pains of others. His humor is wild, his soul is tall and his nature is wonder. Keeping our seas calm and the storms at bay he holds together a home of lasting faith and a desire to be more. He wears his heart upon his benevolent cladding. At the end of the day, love is all he remembers.

Logan (Lil Man)

The Teacher:
Born last to the clan he is the keeper of men and woman. Though young, his mind is ever-changing, ever-growing. He sees all sides and give us wisdom beyond his age of another's view on life. He changes, heals and loves. With a gentle hug and thoughtful word his cunning foresight creeps into our thoughts and breaks anger, changes hurtful opinions allowing us to sail through the storm; seeing the world for the beauty it possesses. He is the calm, he is the quiet, he is our conscience of good. He draws lines for us to follow bringing us back to each other. He is a listener, a peacemaker, a tolerant warrior who works well for and with others. With a smile that might charm a Queen he uses his powers to grow and spread insight. The best of the last, the exclamation point at the end of the sentence.

My children… the astounding reminder that Heaven exists… the glow of my hazel eyes and my reason to breathe.

They are the one BEAUTIFUL nature I have given back to the world.


Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Looking up...

So here's the thing.  I've been wanting to start writing again; not sure why just got that feeling.  I certainly didn't expect to make my splash back into the pond by way of the title "Things fall apart" but... it happens.

All I know as of right now is things fall apart and almost instantly the pieces miraculously start creating this new puzzle - a life - my life - the one I lost track of.

Everyone is still asking, "Are you okay?"  Some, I am sure, are mocking me, believing rumors or just believing the bad in the ones that don't particularly care what they think.  Most, though, are sincere in their questions.

Hey guys... I am so much more than okay.  I promise.  "They" say I'm strong, "they" like to give me words of advice and comfort, tomorrow's another day...or... stay strong... or you've got this... or you deserve better...  and it's true... and I do... and I have better.

These past few weeks I've gotten my family back.  Oh please, yes we still are wild in manner and they argue about chores they don't want to do or the things others should be doing, but we are together.  Time spent, together.  No one is off in their room because they are made to feel uncomfortable or bothersome.  We laugh, we throw verbal darts just to get a rise out of each other, we eat, we sit on the porch and giggle.  The girls sit on the ledge just to see Moi panic thinking they're going to fall off.  We talk, we watch movies, we blast music and we move, we grow, we love.

I've been doing a series of daily mental checks on myself because I'm odd like that. Okay Pidg, are you compartmentalizing?  Are you bottling?  Are you suppressing feelings of pain and hurt and just attempting to look happy on the outside?

Umm... strangely, no. My smile is sincere, my walk is tall and my mind at ease.

I've received my closure; the closure I knew because of the behavior of one and the confirmation in a look from another and suddenly admission... then I felt the weight of 8,000 bricks fall off my shoulders like a bird released from it's egg.  I am not crazy. I am the lucky one with seedlings in my pocket and sun on my face.  I hold the privilege of regrowth, fresh air and new, empty pages to fill with stories of endless potential.

The pages of the book closed and it sits now on the shelf of my life waiting to be layered with years of dust.  The end.

I am blessed.  I have my family together, and I can support them, we stay in our house, our home that has been our place of refuge, peace, loud laughter and sharp wit.  We apologize for nothing.  We soak up the rays of the sun, the winds of Fall are whispering grins into our minds, the hope of what we can do with our lives when we all grow up is here; it's on the table for discussion.  I'm smiling as I'm writing - fingers to keys, pen to paper... I'm back.  I with my pidglets are on the road to recover something lost; our freedom.

And from where I'm standing, I can see it at the top.


Monday, September 14, 2015

Things fall apart...

Sometimes I just don't feel witty.  I, if you can imagine, do have deep thoughts.  At times.  I often wish I could blog under a different name that can't be connected to my lil ole life so that I might air my dirty laundry and yet keep my clothesline looking crisp.

Make sense?

I'm private.  Protected. Resilient to say the least.

When other's talk to me, they all think they know me and that is probably one of the only guilts I carry because it's an unfair friendship or acquaintance.  I talk about everything and anything, I'm out there, wide open and in full gear.  But never, never is my surface scratched; if only by accident but the blemish is sure to be buffed out immediately.

What I'm trying to say is, I'm tired.

Tired of pretending.  Tired of playing by other's rules that don't allow me to play and smile and run with the wind while I still have legs beneath me.  I'm exhausted from worrying about another's happiness at the expense of mine and my pidglet's joy.

People are good and others are bad.  Black and white. Yen and yang. But in the end and often in the beginning, things just fall apart.  Things never came together.  Tides turn, whatever you're comfortable with labeling it.  Often there are not right and wrongs.  

There is happiness and there is not.

I choose happiness.  I choose to save myself to be a stronger, better and healthier me for the long run.  No regrets.  I can honestly say I've done my best.  But I'm not accountable for another's choices.  I can't change them, give them the desire to be a different person or have different feelings or change their lack of emotion for that matter.

It is possible for there to be no fault; simply different needs or even a deficit in motivation.

Love is beautiful.  Indifference is more terrible than hate.

I have found you cannot fix another, not really.  They first must have the desire to be repaired and then it is within them that the power is found.  I being adept to cupping "wounded birds" in my hands and holding them closely was slow in learning this.  I can only hope I've helped to bandage a few wounds along the way for another to fly once more.

Without judgement, or disappointment or even tears, sometimes letting go is the healthiest thing you can do for one that cannot change his ways.

Is it fair to hold on to someone that you will not, by choice, make happy knowing their needs are more than you are willing to give?

But - as equally as the above is unjust is it then alright to remain with someone and continually ask for what you know they will not give due to lack of desire, love or emotion?  

Begging the void to fill you; I think the horse might be dead, put the paddle down Pidg.

I adore, treasure, love and forever cherish the changes I have been blessed to experience in myself while having this individual be part of my life.  Connections still and I suspect will always run deep between the two of us. Well, for me anyway.  I've raised him, supported him and cared for him through it all. He has taught me to choose wiser and let go of the smaller things, breathe through the things I can't change and love deeper, ironically.

Things fall apart, pieces scatter and lives move in separate directions.

But... time, change, circumstances heal - so does praying.  The latter being the most likely solution to a mend.

Although I was the one left standing, blinded by the truth I so desperately hoped was not to follow; he quietly spoke the words... "I'm leaving you..."

I'll be sweeping up the broken pieces to a failed attempt of a faded dream.  Not giving up. Relinquishing the choke-hold I held on that poor man.  Why he stayed so long, I guess I will never know.  That good and kind man I will truly, forever, and without resentment love for all of time.

Left without a choice, I have finally let go...and it's okay.