Thursday, May 22, 2014

I got this...


Daddy always said, "Eat dessert first, life is uncertain".
Man,was he not kidding about the uncertain part.
Incidentally I'm taking his advice to a higher level and I have decided to eat only dessert.  period.  Just the thought of that gives this post a better feel.  smirk.

Have you ever sat still long enough to realize the world is spinning around you? Somehow, you find yourself perched upon a fence watching either side go on about their day.  The sun rises, the night falls, and others around you live their lives, despite you teetering on that fence.

In all honest to goodness truth; my butt hurts from sitting on that freakin' fence.

I'm not a person others consider "emotional" as a matter of fact I've been known to be cold and without feeling.  Do other's ever question why I appear that way?  Pshh... no.

I care.  I do.  Too much.  

The world around me is spinning and I seem to be stagnant, motionless, uninspired.  

Get off the dang fence Pidg.  Make the decision and prepare for splinters as you slide off that division of sides.

I miss being happy.  I miss laughing.  I miss simple things and simpler times.  Things, people, circumstances fade from your view like the sappy, sorrowful end of a paper back novel. Sometimes, only sometimes, it's necessary to look behind you to find what you dropped along the way.  

I'm afraid I left myself behind. 

Strange when I see things clearly. Actually strange isn't the word - rare is a better description.  Seeing and thinking clearly is not a strong suit as of late... yah, I'm still giggling though.  Thank goodness, my sense of humor still remains held tightly in my pocket.

Brushing off the dust I'm turning back to grab the girl that gifts a smile.  I have no idea who I am anymore, but I am painfully aware of who I'm not and who I don't want to be anymore.  Titles, fragments, glimpses of a person who has sat on the sidelines cheering the rest on without so much as a look of gratitude.  I am so much more.  I don't know what ... but it's more... and very, very, cool... of that I'm certain.  wink.

I'm not a fan of change, but I've never been afraid of it either.  Pshh... I got this


Loves,
  Pidg

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Poor Mama...

Wednesday I spoke of being easily distracted, which is totally not like me at all.... (cricket...cricket)

Okay, so we know I'm easily distracted, but today as I was doing my rounds of things that need to be done but not the original task I set out to do, a memory surfaced.

Maybe it was because I finally participated in "Throw back Thursday" on instagram, but as I rifled through supplies for a wedding project (no, I'm not getting married.... again... hehe) for the shop, I found things.

Have you ever given your younger child a task to clean an area and look over and they are wearing or playing with everything they've found that they were assigned to pick up, put away and place in it's home?

Yah, I'm that kid.  I found fabric headbands that I had attempted but had never listed in the shop so of course I put a few on.  Then a fabric wristlet with small handmade flowers on it; didn't make it to the shop but it fit me just fine.  Oh hey look, these floral hair clips look great with my messy up-do.  Oh, and tiny crochet flower rings... four fit nicely.

I would just like to say, in honor of Throw-back-Thursday and Mother's Day fast approaching, Mama, I am so sorry.  You patient, tolerant, enduring woman. It seems that memory I spoke about in the beginning of this post, yah... it still lives; alive and well.  It's 39 years-old as a matter of fact.  

Busy and I were having a conversation the other day where she expressed the embarrassment she feels at times because she talks too much.  Po looked over and grinned as Busy asked, "What?"
I had just had the same discussion with him the day prior about myself.

I then thought about the endless nights I would keep Mama and Daddy up.  I would step into their bedroom to say goodnight.  Somehow, I found myself teleported into the chair beside their bed and next thing you know an hour (or 3) had passed.  Mama's eyes were heavy and Daddy would occasionally look up from his book; I'm not certain either of them said a single word.  I evidently didn't need to breathe while talking.  Oh, those nights of not enough sleep I caused them that I have now experience 6 fold.  Love it.

I don't care for people much and I certainly attempt to avoid groups of people but for some reason when I do escape, bless that poor individual who might end up standing within ear-shot.  It's like I can't stop. Poor Mama, it's usually her.

The other day I was having an absolutely miserable day.  I mean physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I was a walking... okay fine, a sitting human turd.  Oh how I wanted to call Mama and just tell her...

WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

However, I refrained.  I didn't want to do that.  Everything I'm going through can and will be handled.  Sure, my capacity is nil compared to the super-woman I once was but it will be alright-ish... eventually, hopefully, I think. How's that for faith?  Right.

So I didn't call.  I bit my lower lip and attempted to function.  I was strong and ... and... the phone rang. Yah, she walked right into that one.  I had actually assumed Daddy had called her for reinforcements because poor him, he called a few hours before and caught the brunt of the snot, and sobs.  Nope, she just knew.  I bet she wishes she could turn off that mother's intuition at times; or at the very least turn the channel to something more entertaining. 

Not too long ago Mama told me how she felt so bad.  She named several things in our lives as I was growing up and said it's no wonder you even survived it all.  You had a pretty messed up child-hood.  I began to laugh because to me, those who rear the child are what makes or breaks the childhood.  As things fell apart from time-to-time I had someone to go to.  So my childhood was bliss.

And possibly my favorite piece of advice, besides the famous, "Save your money" and "Life is hard" she added a more recent and profound something to think about, not but a year ago.

Me:  "Mama, I'm tired of failing..."
Mama:  "Andi-girl, there is nothing wrong with failing.  I do it all the time."

Oh, how she always makes me laugh.  No worries, she constantly lifts me up and of course never sees my folly as failure.  But she always knows how to snatch my spirit from the floor.

For all of the everything you have given and continue to give Mama; thank you.

Beautiful Mama, still and always will be the most beautiful woman in the world to me.


In all of these years we still share each other's pain.  No, I'm serious literally.  If her hip acts up so does mine. If my back starts trouble, Mama's calling me to see why she hurts.  She even craved the same things I did when I was pregnant each and every time... even when we were across the country from each other.

She's the afternoon splash through the puddles, the wind playing with my hair on a brilliant, sunny day.  She's the gentle calm of reason in my head.  She's my hysterical partner in crime I have to confess every stupid thing I do - if only so we can laugh together.

Mender of broken wings and hearts - Protector of fragile mind and body - through ups and downs she holds her breath for me as I am sometimes taken by the strong current.  My funny bone... the one that actually makes me laugh.

My best friend - My Mama.

loves,

Andi-girl

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

lately...

I haven't blogged lately.  That much we know.  To be honest, I've wanted to; I think about it every day. Nothing comes.

On a side note, you know how I love side notes... I discovered something about myself years and years ago. If I started a statement with "to be honest" I was going to tell you the truth.  However, if I started the sentence with "honestly..." I was about to lie to you.  Classy right? " Honestly, your hair looks amazing!" (cough cough...)  "Honestly, I don't think your baby girl looks like a gremlin at all..."  Yah....

See how that works?  I have since corrected that and now I will not disclose what I say when about to tell a fib.  Maturity I suppose... maybe not.

Back to my deep thoughts.  Things kind of bite right now.  To be honest...

But that's no fun so we'll talk about something else.  

I'm trying to get off soda.  (That's not fun either)  I've been drinking lemon water and adding a little carbonated water for that splash of wonder (that still is not soda just so we're clear).  Ornery?  Perhaps.

While torturing myself with that I have severely brought down my caffeine intake.  Does it help with my ADHD?  Yes.  Is that the purpose of me filling my body to the brim with caffeine?  Yes.

Now, with the lack of caffeine, do I find myself literally standing in a room, doing 5 separate things only to find myself back in my craft room not having done what I originally got up for?  Yah... But they tell me it's bad for me so I'm trying.  To be honest, I think ADHD is bad for me too, and everyone around me for that matter.

Honestly, as I avoid the two of the above mentioned, I feel refreshed and more alert and happy; almost amazing each and every day.  (You caught that right?  Thought I'd throw one in there for ole time sake)

As most of you know I received the edited manuscript back of my book that is really "books" and my lovely Sloan printed the beast out for me just so I could see it.  I spent hours hugging it, taking selfies with the stack of papers and speaking sweet words of love to it.  Tears were shed, a green pill might have been taken because of my heart pounding and my head spinning but all in all it was exciting.



I'm putting that bad boy on Amazon as soon as possible.  I just want it out there.  Just to see.

In other breaking Pidg news I must tell the mothers of young children: BRACE YOURSELVES.

Tantrums do not end after toddlerhood.

Teenagers, will kill you; the rumors are true.

While I am blessed to have wonderful pidglets, I was displayed as a hypocritical monster on my beautiful daughter's blog.

An honor, I know.

I begged that at the very least she defend me on the point where she mentioned "beating it in to her".  That was not me.  For how much IMAGINING beating that child often paints a wicked smile upon my face.  I have not yet had the pleasure.  

Dreams...

We're still not talking.  Truth be told I'm not a hypocrite.  I am more aware of my colorful flaws I display daily (often hourly) than anyone.  I don't justify them.  Do I hope my pidglets will turn out better than me?  Pshh, yah.  But I do understand struggle and pain and realize each of our load is heavy individually.

One would hope that your children see the woman who struggles but continues to stand and try again.  Naw, they remember the mistakes.  Honestly, it doesn't hurt my feelings to be judged so harshly by a person I brought out of my own body who was almost ten pounds and tried to kill me from the delivery room.  It's cool... 

But... my opinions and expectations that have never changed are slightly (during a rare conversation) being understood by Mr. B. She's just lashing out because well.... I am the devil.  Or something like that...



It happens.

See, this is why I drink so much freakin' caffeine... I tend to get distracted.

Okay, I'm off to drink more lemon water and create fat birds today.  I think it's a fat bird kind of day.

To be honest, I hope you have a fantastic rest of the week! wink

Loves,
  Pidg