Thursday, January 23, 2014

Bits and bites of nothin'

With all of the plans I'm trying to put together to organize myself and my household for the transition we're about to go through I would like you to know taking down the Christmas tree is not one of them.

Yep, I'm fully aware it's dangerously close to February.  Did I take down and pack away the decorations? Yes I did.  But the tree is just so pretty.  I loves it.  It warms up the living room so nicely.  Every night there is at least one child crashed on the coushie recliner and or the couch and with the lights on they just look so angelic.  So, just thought I would clear that up.  It's Christmas all year round this time.  I'll let you know if I change my mind.

I'm working on a new stitch for a crocheted blanket.  Yes, I'm still working on the project for Mama.  But she might like this better.  She might not, we'll see.  Like I said I'm "working" on a new stitch.  Hehe.

I'm not making resolutions for the new year or "revolutions" as Lil Man calls them.  I had zero intentions of creating any actually.  I am however, making changes that have been on the list for a while.  I figure that will suffice right?  I mean it's like dieting.  You say the word diet and I immediately get hungry - like ravenous hungry not just that "I wish I could have half a sandwich" kind of hungry.  I change my eating habits and find myself pleasantly surprised when I lose weight. Not if Busy keeps making these amazing gluten free thumbprint cookies... but that's neither here nor there.  I'm not trying to lose weight anyway, I just needed to justify the lack of revolutions. wink

I have this Rubbermaid container in the kitchen right now that I brought in from storage. I really can't remember what's in it already.  But Jack, the bad dog, loves to get on top of it and sleep. I swear he thinks he's a cat.  I'm thinking one of my projects should be making him and Charlie doggie bunk beds. Definitely should be high on the list of priorities... way, way above taking the Christmas tree down for sure.

You don't realize there was a brief pause in this post but I have to tell you there was. I stopped to make myself a cup of grape water and as I put the kitchen sprayer back into it's lil spot I for some odd reason felt compelled to squeeze it and shot it straight in my face.  So there.

So Lil Red and Moi got a class together this semester, Anatomy.  I think it's so cute and sweet. Moi's senior year and she gets a class with her sissy.  Last semester somehow all three of the girls had lunch together. I wish I had had classes with my sister.  I don't have a sister... didn't want one at all... never mind.  Did I tell you they're so cute?

Well, I'm off to create!  I have some new ideas for the Cottage and need to get them out of my brain to make room for thoughts of cleaning my house.  Right now, I'm not in a big rush I can tell you that.  Hey, did I mention I hate this keyboard?

Over and out,

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Tuesday, January 21, 2014

So... the doctor

So I went to the doctor yesterday.  Yes, the doctor appointment I had all intentions of ditching.  Yes, I do things like that.  Often. Are you surprised?  Really?  Didn't think so.

I realized that even though I didn't want to talk about the reasons the appointment was scheduled (by her, my doctor, not me) I did need to go because my "T-Rex" arms had turned into chronic pain and the right one goes immobile sometimes; no biggie.

So I went, she asked how I was, I told her about my arms/elbows/hands. She prodded with questions as she poked at my arms. So, I have tendinitis, severely in the right arm.  She immediately wants me to take at least 2 weeks off.

Let the games begin.

Me: "So if I take these two weeks off will I come back healed and ready to work?"
Doc: "It should be better, yes."
Me: "Will it start up again?"
Doc: "With the way you work, yes, most likely just as bad."

She can see immediately the two weeks are out of the question.

She prods more. Yes, I have been thinking about giving my notice at work. Po has been after me since November. He's worried.  I am a little.. okay a lottle, but he doesn't know that.

Then the idea of third shift was brought to the table. Can I tell you I honestly thought my doc would be impressed with me making this decision of "less stress" and say "Good for you on taking matters into your own hands."

She asked what I would do if I just gave my notice and didn't go to third shift.  I told her, work from home, we can make it without me working it's just tighter.

She prodded... gosh didn't she get the part about me not wanting to talk about it?  I don't like to talk about my symptoms or issues or whatever you want to call them; it feels like weakness to me and failure due to lack of controlling my own body. So I downplay everything.  Dang if she doesn't know the right questions to ask. Pshhh....

Long story that is already long made shorter.  Her words, "I'm not stepping in yet, but you need to go home. Give your notice and use being home as an opportunity, not a defeat."

Long confused stare from ole Pidg here.  Huh?  I mean I know some of my health is slipping, and my anxiety is up but I'm not that bad.  Right?

She looked at me with what looked like pity and said, "You are starting to relapse. Your body will not take what you are putting it through. You're going to stop functioning again, you're already showing the signs of stopping. Going to third shift might help you mentally for a bit, but it's a band aid and your body is warning you; I don't think you're listening."

But...

"Go home and be happy.  I'm not stepping in yet, but I know I will have to if you keep going the way you are."

I was floored.  Caught blind-sided by being a lot worse off than I had admitted to myself - and a little amazed my doc would tell me so blatantly what she thought I should do.  It's not conventional, it's not what the world usually tells you.  In all honesty, I knew all of this, but I suppose it was that moment you had really wanted and hoped for a different answer.  One where things were progressing nicely; an answer that told you your worry was for nothing - just an over-reaction.

But its not that way.  She's not stepping in "yet".  So the answer remained in mine and Po's hands.  When I told him he looked to me softly and said, "Let's just call it quits sweets.  It's time."

When I went to go give my notice, head hung low, he whispered across the hall, "I'm proud of you."

I gave my notice, denied leave like Po and I had discussed and my last day is the 31st.

I'm okay, a little shaken, but all in all okay.

So I guess it's time to move on to other things.  Work my shops, take care of my family, clean the house and take care of me.  weird.

Right now, I just need to look forward.  Nay says I'm built for different things... I guess we'll see huh?

Over and out,

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Friday, January 17, 2014

Coffee break...

I haven't linked up in a while so my Nay thought it good I show my face again.  Today, I'm grabbing on to the shirt tales of Alissa from Rags to Stitches.  Just thought I'd dive in... yes, Nay guilted me.  smirk.

If we were having coffee today, or soda, or water or whisky... fill your cup with what suits you... I would tell you a few things.

First, I would place my hands on yours and tell you, thank you for sitting with me and keeping me company. I would tell you I'm back on track of finding 'me' again.  Through all of the masks I wear throughout each day I'm finally shuffling through the trunk of personalities and remembering the girl that seems to slip through the cracks.

I would tell you that me and Po and the Pidglets are excited about a few changes we're making in our family. We've never been the fam that finds the pot of gold because we're too distracted with the beauty of the rainbow.  And that suits us just fine.  It's okay to not follow the crowd and sometimes doing things different works out better for us.

In the midst of trial we are still sticking together and finding happiness in our laughter and just being together is already allowing a bit of healing.  Do you know how much giggling there is in my home?  I wouldn't trade it nor do I want to miss it anymore.

If we were side-by-side I would tell you how much I still continue to loathe this keyboard and that the first chance I get I'm buying a new one; one where the "g" doesn't stick.  Do you remember my last keyboard with the "a" and the "!"  .... so frustrating.

I would tell you that my latest and greatest love in the world is Vanilla Chex Cereal.  I eat it dry.  It makes me giddy with happiness.  It's sitting in it's box watching me type this out as a matter fact.  I think it loves me too.  Thank you Gluten Free wonders.

I would also tell you (though I imagine you've noticed) that I re-designed my blog again. Sweet, simple... fine maybe I'm going through a boring phase.  I did Lil Red's as well. While doing so I always update the line-up of the fam at the bottom.  Can I tell you how beautiful my children are?  They so take my breath away... hey let's look at them again just for funsies!


Hey, those are mine; each and every one of them!  Crazy right?  Oh, ... just ohhhh.. awful things. grin.

And lastly, I would tell you to stop trying to please others.  I saw a quote the other day that said, "learn to say no without explaining yourself".  Do that will you?  Be satisfied in being you and the choices you make. If you need to make some changes by all means do it.  But do it for yourself.

I'm glad we had this talk.  Maybe next time I'll try the Whisky.  wink.

Happy Weekend!

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Thursday, January 16, 2014

Something special...

I was on the way home from the post office mailing a few things for PidgApeg Cottage and I was thinking to myself... what the heck can I blog about today.  The answer was this... (cricket cricket)  'cept there were no crickets or lil nature noises, just me, driving heavy breathing from this sick I still have.

So I came home and see that my Lil Red has written a post.  Stop Here and go read it please, otherwise this is all for naught to those of you that aren't my Lil Red.

After reading that heart felt post with all of it's intricacies and typos she inherited from her mother I was touched - on so many levels.

Dear Lil Red;

First off the mom in me screamed, "HELLO!  Of course you're special!  Holy crud, do I not tell you, show you, text you, do for you, snap you enough?"  Yes, the mom guilt was overflowing with self-loath and ridicule.

Then... I felt what you were saying.  As an adult I feel exactly the same way.  Our situations may be different and our worries of the world on different levels; each heavy to our own load bearing shoulders.  Things don't change sweet Red.  You grow, you get better at opening that drawer for yourself and lighting your own world with color.

The world won't change, sometimes I believe certain individuals are designed to dampen this beautiful, sparkling existence of ours with sludge.  Then... there are those who are preordained to light it on fire with color and spice.

You, Lil Red, are one of those people.  The girl who flies to her own breeze, marches to the beat of her own heart and wonders.  The girl with a quick wit and the most infectious laughter.  The teenager who is so brilliant she can't seem to put it into one box.  I for one think distraction can teach you new things, don't let that get in the way.

Collect what you can Sweets, gather it up in your arms and take it home to your chest of hope, wonder and dreams.  Take that dimly lit candle you have with you and peek into those treasures of your mind, heart and deepest corners of your soul and create.

As you know solitude is something I have struggled with; even surrounded by so many others.  But it's in my mind that I live, my books, my stories, those characters that have chosen me to tell their story.  It's in the art I create, the children that teach me daily and the home that allows me to be myself.

Write your book, search your memories and store them away in something pretty, be kind, be good to yourself and remain ever faithful.  Don't ever allow anyone to make you feel that you aren't enough.

You're more than anyone could aspire to be.

You are more than something special.  You, are Lil Red.  And there is only one and I'm so grateful I have a front row seat to watch you sprout from seed to plantling to one day a great and marvelous, spectacular tree.

Go put on that amazing and captivating smile and run like the wind baby girl.

I'll be right there with you.


Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Change is good...

There are those times when you're so down you feel heavy and lethargic.  Then, there are those moments though, you feel inspiration and creativity pouring - even oozing from your very skin.

Both of those times are designed to make us grow.  I have a friend... I think you may know her; my Nay. Her post was so lovely today it brought me to deep thought. She and I had a time where we grew together then as I became more and more sick and more and more reclusive we faded... I faded.

When I awoke from my deep dark cave she was waiting with open arms; as she always has.

We're growing again - together.  I can feel it, see it.  It's exciting.  I'm still at the point of a little fearful of the things we might accomplish together and otherwise; afraid of dreaming too big.  But still a smile keeps sneaking up and grin turns to wonder.

So... in short I just want her to know how grateful I am to have her friendship.  She sees the "me" that I can't see.  And it should also be mentioned that she accepts the "me" that everyone else sees... the distracted, loud and misled girl who can't sit still.

It was snowing a few moments ago, now the sun is shining.  Change is good.  Growing is inevitable.  What will I be when I grow up?  That is the question.

Plans are afoot my friends... let's go!


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Tuesday, January 14, 2014

I have decided...

Like the title of this post?  You really thought it was something profound that I had made a decision on huh? Like life changing or something... yah...no.  It's me.  I can't even figure out what I'm cooking for dinner.

Speaking of dinner and getting back to the title of this here post... I have decided I am not a very good soup cooker.  Yes, that is how you say it.  I'm sure it's used in the culinary world of those in the know.  Soup cookers have been around for wow... okay, I'm done.

Every time I go to make soup it doesn't matter what I'm making I end up turning it spicy.  Oh please... I can't help myself. I love spicy, hot, kickin' wondermous soup but I can't seem to stop myself.

Chicken soup - spicy  Meatball soup - spicy  brothy or creamy it matters not.  I feel the need to add whahh to it.  Po doesn't like spicy.  Po doesn't like soup for that matter or food that is grown from the ground, or a tree or resembles something healthy... wait I'm exaggerating again, he eats his body weight in potatoes.  

Doesn't matter, that's not what we're talking about today.  

I also have this issue with sticking to recipes.  I get one that sounds amazing then change it before I've tried it their way. It's how I make it mine. I cook from scratch mostly and I cook to taste. Daddy says that's what makes me a good cook but I think "my taste" might be missing what their taste is all about; especially in the soup department.

Yes, I have labored over this thought of soup lately. It has been weighing so heavily on my mind. It's almost categorized as sad.  But we don't have to delve into my issues right now. We're talking about soup.

So, "I have decided" that next week is soup week.  Kind of like shark week except soup and substantially less dangerous... I hope.

I am going to try at least 4  new soup recipes for the winter/sick and afflicted season that we are now experiencing.  I will stick to the recipes.  I will try.

I'm excited about my new soup adventure.  Don't feel bad for Po I will make him something meat and cheese like on the side.  I remember when the kids were younger one week we had a "ramen" competition.  We each took turns cooking our own version of ramen and decided the winner at the end of the week.  I won with 'pizza ramen'.  Yes, that title is very dear to me.  I have since won, not one single competition with my children.  Okay, arm wrestling of course.

So there it is.  My big and major, latest and greatest endeavor.  Soup.  

To be a good soup-cooker... lives will be forever changed.

Amen.

Over and into the recipe books I go.


Saturday, January 11, 2014

One of those days...

Do you ever have those days?  Those days filled with optimism?  Ironic I know, this on the cusp of my horribly corrupted most previous blog post of being sick and enveloped in my bad attitude that was so keeping me warm.  Hehe

Still, looking up and forward and beyond the snot can creep up on you, especially in the midst of crap.  Well, at least it does for me seeing as how I have no attention span.

Mama always said I am one of the most forgiving people she knows.  Nice right?  Really, it's because I get distracted with something else and tend to forget.  But I like the thought of being forgiving, it sounds as if I have a heart somewhere in this cold and dark, cavernous  body.  Hehe... not to be mistaken with Heehee... we've been through this before.

Back to happy thoughts filled with wonder.  It only takes a moment for me sometimes.  A smell of cinnamon, a giggle from a pidglet that most likely is attempting to get themselves out of trouble.  A hand-crafted item I know I can make and sell for less.  A friend who spills sarcasm and waits for my reaction with a double edged sword. Fun stuff...

So, I was thinking... I bet I can make a push for my shops.  I bet I will do even better than last time
I think I should redesign my blog; even though I seem to be a semi-annual blogger lately.
I think Po would be so pleasantly surprised to have me cook every night again, not to mention the pidglets glee in food that's more than 2 ingredients.

I might start exercising simply for the therapy. I might shave my dogs so they stop shedding... how wonderful. Oh for the dogs?  Maybe not. But then I will crochet them lil sweaters and.... fine.

I want to write my own cookbook.  That's not really true it just seems to be on everyone else's list.  So I bet they can if they try.  I just want to publish... no I want the time to research publishing then publish.  I want to restore order to my home and my mind.  I think I can this time.  I want to wear hats... I do. I realize that has nothing to do with anything I just thought I'd throw that out there.

Do you ever just have these creative life moments where you think you can make the changes you so desperately need?  I do.  I wonder what stops me? Life, surviving, others you need to tend to, fatigue, fear... the list goes on and on.

Right now I will settle for swallowing without pain in my throat.  Baby steps.

I think this time I will make a list.  I think this time I will take my optimism seriously.  It can't hurt right?  

Making a game-plan, seeking out and reaching goals.  Yah, maybe it's the chips and hummus talking but I think that's just what I will do with this lil bit of happy-believe-in-yourself moment.

I'm watching it rain as we speak.  It's not depressing because it's new and clean and today I like it even though it's misty and not real rain.  But the cottage is peeking through the leafless woods and whispers "create".  

I'm still sick but instead of loathing I will wait until I can breathe with clear sinuses and be grateful... yah, no, I'm not that happy dude... being sick still bites.

But you get the idea.

I'm going to be that girl that thought she could so she did.  I like that.

Off to smell the roses... or at least look at them since my nose is not working.

Over and out




Friday, January 10, 2014

Sunshine and Flowers...Not

So I'm sick.  I've been sick.  Sick for like 3 days then it got worse and now it's been a week. And I, Pidg, actually have had to call out of work; which is completely against my wiring.

Throat, strep... snot...brain melting in the form of mucus and then the cough started; mingled with fever and fever and ... you get it.  Then, finally I gave up called out and by mid-morning realized I had a double eye infection.  I am telling you I look like the "all seeing eye" in Lord of the Rings... times two.  Sauron doesn't have anything on me.

Source of redness


Can I take this moment to openly announce I hate this keyboard?  Geesh... 

Sick... whatever.

In the midst of snot, coughing and chaos of the body I did have a wonderful occurrence of coughing so bad I thought I was going to pee myself.  Yes, all of you mothers can relate to that one.  So... I run to the bathroom to pee, start to vomit then can't stop barfing.

I stand there, in my graceful composure, wrapping my legs around each other and projectile-ing into the toilet I feel snot dripping down my face... but wait, I look in the mirror and it's a bloody nose; except it looks like I was the victim of an attack... serial killer moment... what if....

In my time of poised and classy illness I decided to crochet a project for Mama to take my mind off of sick. Unfortunately I am afraid it might turn out to be one of those gifts "only a mother could love" You know, like those fridge art pictures we have all over our own refrigerators? Thank goodness she's my mom. wink

However, while waiting for Po to bring me another skein of yarn I decided to watch a knitting tutorial.  My Nay says she likes that better than crochet.  Now, as we all know I am full of coordination and so I whipped out my knitting needles, blew the dust from their luster and began.  

The best way to describe it might be a toddler attempting to eat noodles with chopsticks.  Except I didn't eat the yarn... only a taste... maybe that's why I'm coughing.  smirk

Knitting, placed on hold.  For eternity.  Wow, that was almost worth making a vid of me in action .. almost.

Now, in case you were still in question, I'm just mad at being this sick.

Cranky?  Understatement.

I never get sick like this.  Evidently I saved it all up for this one occasion.  It's not the flu or pneumonia or bronchitis it's just awful.  

And then, over a series of days, My Nay is sending me these "I look so cute pics of herself". Firstly, she does look cute and second, how do you send cute pics to a friend who resembles an orc? I thought we were friends. So of course I mention this to her and whine as any other human/animal would.

Next she sent me a pic of her "almost" picking her nose.  Thank you.  Friendship renewed.  In all honesty it did lift my spirits.  She still looked pretty though. grin

So, I'm going back to Mama's project with antibacterial rubbed into my artful hands and away I go.  

If I die before I wake... ehh don't worry about it I'm not sleeping anyways.  Besides, the good die young. So I'm thinking biblical age for me yo.

Over and out,

I'll move on to spreading sunshine and flowers to another lot and give you guys a break.  sniff