So here I was thinking about procrastination. Yah, it just so happens it's one of my very favorite past-times. But then I started really thinking about it; pulling it apart, dissecting it until the pieces were set, not so neatly, in a little pile right in front of me.
I don't think it's so much procrastination, it's indecision. What? How can that be?
I'm decisive. I'm to the point, I always am the one who calls the shots without putting tons of time into the decision because, I of course, am Mom, Wife, the person "they" all come to.
But now, I can't decide which supplies to get for the shop, when to start dinner, what is the next move in my life. I've become brittle I think.
I've always been analytical and need to know why for everything. I'm not one to question authority necessarily but I need to understand it, to know why so that I might be able to analyze and imagine the reasoning behind the end result I am in charge of. I like plans but I'm the queen of improvising.
If I ask you a question and give you a "box", if you will, to put your answer in and for some reason it doesn't fit into that box. Then don't bother.
When I was younger my brother, Todd, and I would always play the "what if" game. It would drive my Mama crazy. Now, I feel like the "what if" game has become my life.
If I walked you through my most recent decision making process you would stare, open-mouthed, at the lack of quality in my thoughts, my rants, my worries and my end and final result of deciding not to make a decision at all.
It's all silly really. It's something I can't figure out how to change. It's doubt, and lack of belief in myself because I feel weak, mentally and physically, it's all of that crap that the doctor spoke to me about. I know, I need to stop being so hard on myself. I need to heal. Whatever that is. I need to be left alone to reel my sporadic thoughts back into that box.
I need my confidence back, I need to believe in myself, I need a new freakin' keyboard this one is driving me wonky. (That's one of my new favorite words just so you know)
I need time management to come back into my life, focus and balance.
I thought that if I laid it all out on 'paper' this morning it might help me separate real worries, anxiety, and just being silly into separate crates, then take the trash out where needed.
I do know I ate too many vanilla creme almonds last night. I do know I need to get into the shower and I'm certain I need more caffeine at this very moment.
For now, I'm going to go think about all of those earth-shattering woes. Thanks for listening.
P.S. Here's a pidglet that's really mad at me right now; ironically, for being decisive. But if you look into this picture Lil Red, you'll see the love I have for you. Hold on to that instead. Just a thought...
Happy Friday... holy crud is it really Friday already...
Over and Out,