Friday, April 4, 2014

I don't know what to title this post... nice right?

So here I was thinking about procrastination.  Yah, it just so happens it's one of my very favorite past-times. But then I started really thinking about it; pulling it apart, dissecting it until the pieces were set, not so neatly, in a little pile right in front of me.

I don't think it's so much procrastination, it's indecision.  What?  How can that be?

I'm decisive.  I'm to the point, I always am the one who calls the shots without putting tons of time into the decision because, I of course, am Mom, Wife, the person "they" all come to.

But now, I can't decide which supplies to get for the shop, when to start dinner, what is the next move in my life.  I've become brittle I think.

I've always been analytical and need to know why for everything.  I'm not one to question authority necessarily but I need to understand it, to know why so that I might be able to analyze and imagine the reasoning behind the end result I am in charge of.  I like plans but I'm the queen of improvising.

If I ask you a question and give you a "box", if you will, to put your answer in and for some reason it doesn't fit into that box.  Then don't bother.

When I was younger my brother, Todd, and I would always play the "what if" game.  It would drive my Mama crazy.  Now, I feel like the "what if" game has become my life.

If I walked you through my most recent decision making process you would stare, open-mouthed, at the lack of quality in my thoughts, my rants, my worries and my end and final result of deciding not to make a decision at all.

I'm numb.

It's all silly really.  It's something I can't figure out how to change.  It's doubt, and lack of belief in myself because I feel weak, mentally and physically, it's all of that crap that the doctor spoke to me about.  I know, I need to stop being so hard on myself.  I need to heal.  Whatever that is.  I need to be left alone to reel my sporadic thoughts back into that box.

I need my confidence back, I need to believe in myself, I need a new freakin' keyboard this one is driving me wonky.  (That's one of my new favorite words just so you know)

I need time management to come back into my life, focus and balance.  

I thought that if I laid it all out on 'paper' this morning it might help me separate real worries, anxiety, and just being silly into separate crates, then take the trash out where needed.

We'll see.  

I do  know I ate too many vanilla creme almonds last night.  I do know I need to get into the shower and I'm certain I need more caffeine at this very moment.

For now, I'm going to go think about all of those earth-shattering woes.  Thanks for listening.

P.S. Here's a pidglet that's really mad at me right now; ironically, for being decisive.  But if you look into this picture Lil Red, you'll see the love I have for you.  Hold on to that instead.  Just a thought...

Happy Friday... holy crud is it really Friday already...

Over and Out, 


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