Thursday, July 18, 2013

Just a quick hello...

Oh what to blog...what to blog.

Sometimes does your head feel so full you don't know where to start?  Well, yah, that's me everyday but lately it's really full.  Questions, doubts, wants for things you used to be... not failing, stop flailing, recapturing that you that was stronger.

The woman who did it all and did it well...not gracefully mind you; but she's never graded on appearance.

Things are in the works, plans are being made.  Life is turning that corner again.   I think it's alright though.

I did the lawn yesterday and it was soooo long because of all the rain we've had.  When it's long the only thing horrible is that I have to rake.  Raking is worse than the push mowing.  Raking is my ultimate loathe.

It tried to kill me.

It almost won.  I told the kids if they look outside and see me lying face down run quick with the water and splash it on my face.  If I don't respond... someone else needs to make dinner.

IT. WAS. SO. HUMID.

I find I am still a San Diego girl through and through... humidity... not for me.

So what else can I say randomly?  Oh, Nay and I are planning a trip to Hawaii.  It's not real of course but to us it is.  We thought it would be a nice place to meet for the first time.  We're really excited.  Now all we need is for one of us to get rich.  It's in the works.

Okay, just a quick check in to say hello and that I haven't forgotten you.  I'll be in the workshop today... got some jewelry plans and a new line for the Cottage to FINALLY introduce.  Wish me luck.

Over and out.

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Monday, July 15, 2013

A glance down memory lane...

The other day I just started flooding with sweet and silly memories of the kids as we were growing up.  I remembered this time when we lived in Maryland.  I would always wake up between 2 and 3am and go out on my deck just to think for a bit.

Well this morning it was snowing.  The flakes were falling lightly and all of the deck and railings were covered in this blissfully white glittery perfectly piled snow.  Bailey happened to wander into the kitchen and I told her she had to come out and touch it.  She was about 14 at the time.  She looked to me sleepily and pointed out that she didn't have any shoes on.
"It's okay," I reassured her, "I'll give you a piggy back ride."
She grinned in knowing that she would have to pacify me or I wouldn't be able to let it go.  She hopped on my back and I slowly steadily moved towards the door which was only about 3 feet from the outside railing.

Now, me being me, incredibly smart and always thinking ahead didn't ponder the possible ice build up on the deck.  I took one step outside and we both wiped out on the ground onto the cold, icy deck.  Good times, me and Bai... good times.

Then I remembered when Ethan was about 3 years old I had pulled out a package of frozen hot dogs and placed them on the counter.  A minute later he was crying from the kitchen and as I ran in there he was holding his eye.  I pried his chunky, tubby Bubba hands from his face but he kept his eye squinted tightly closed.  I then attacked him further.

I questioned him on what happened... "Did you drop the hot dogs on your face Bubs?  Did you hurt your eye with the hot dogs?  Did you poke your eye?  Were you trying to grab the hot dogs and they slipped?  What happened Lil E?"....

I couldn't see anything but an hour later he was still holding it and not allowing me to near it.  I took him straight into the doctor.  On the way home after finding out his eye was alright and that he must have just scratched it and that an eye patch might help so he doesn't bother it further he was really frustrated with me and my prodding.

I decided to take him to 7-11 to grab a treat.  He was so mad at me for not letting it go.  I wanted/needed to know what happened.  He continued to slap me away when I tried to touch it and this normally sweet-tempered child would not stop yelling back at me when questioned.  So I stopped...kind of.

As we were leaving 7-11 with slurpee in hand I casually (or so I thought) looked over at him once he had lowered his hand.  He hollered back, "Keep your eyes on da wode!"

We still say it like that randomly when he's in the car.

Another time I was cleaning out the garage and Hanna got into a box of random clothing.  When she was younger she was the thinnest, lankiest thing you've ever seen.  I turned to see her wearing clunky shoes with crew socks, a bathing suit and tights over her head.  Before I could stop her she grabbed a plastic leg from a play table and began chasing a few boys down the street on their bikes.  I imagine those boys remember that as well to this day.  I need to find the pictures she posed so proudly in.  And the family pics we took where my beautiful Lil Red put flowers up her nose.  Perfect.

Then there was the time when Busy was maybe 6.  I used to hold craft workshops where others would pay a small fee and walk away with an awesome completed project they had assembled with kits I had put together.  Girl time and the kids would play it was quite fun really.  Well, I was showing one of my customer/friends my "new" at the time Sizzix die cut machine.  It had a lever you pulled down to press the die into the material and bam out pops a paper piecing or fabric or what have you.  So our lil girls, Busy and Molly were hanging out at the time.  They of course wanted to try it.  So I walked Molly through it and she cut out a darling little shape.  I walk Busy through it and somehow she gets the handle to gain enough tension to where the thing pops back and gives her a black eye.  She is so my daughter...what can I tell you.

My mind then traveled to the time Lil Man decided to pee across the room while yelling, "Dragon Fire!"  Or the first time Po watched Lil Man and Ethan while the girls and I ran out to find shirts and flip-flops for mine and Po's wedding.  He, like a good up and coming step-dad, put Lil Man in the tub and turned to see him pulling out a turd the size of Nebraska and placing it on the side of the tub.  He said it looked like a snake.

Ohmygosh, I love being a mom... I do.

Then I thought back and remembered lil Moi.  That child was born so differently than the others.  All of my pidglets have such different personalities and traits but as a whole you KNOW they're related.  I love the diversity and seeing pieces of my different personalities pop out at times.  She was a stubborn thing; still is.  When she was little she refused to say the word "Yes."  I would do all that I could think of but that child would not do it. I started to really wonder if she understood the words yes and no and questioned if she really just didn't grasp when to say yes.  Finally, one day I looked to her and said, "Mo, you want some icee cream?"
she looked to me smirked and said, "No" as she nodded her head yes.

Enough said...

Moi was also the silent instigator.  I kid you not when she was a baby she would grin every time Bailey would get in trouble.  One day we were driving down the road and I had the two girls in the back seat.  Bailey let out this excruciatingly loud scream and I looked in the rear view mirror just in time to see Moi pulling Bailey's hair.  Moi looked up with a handful of her sister's hair and said with an evil grin, "Hair..."

Oh, the joys of being a mother.  I love looking back at the silly, awful and ridiculously fun moments.  Thanks for taking a walk down memory lane.  I'm smiling again.

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Friday, July 12, 2013

Friday Funnies...

Okay, these are a few funnies from weeks ago I collected before I fell into that "hole" of mine...

So Hanna had her friend over to spend the night and all of us girls were hanging out in the room talking gossip because we totally do that because everyone knows that's a rule to sleep overs and at one point I said Hanna did something and she responded with

"Hey, that's just Bull monag-alog-alee"

I would like to introduce you to my new favorite word.  Oh, I was dying... it just rolls right off your tongue!

Then I was taking Ethan to basketball camp and Hanna had been going with us to watch but this morning it was just me and E.  As we're driving he said, "Mom, can you drive like a grandma today?"

That's his way of saying he wants to spend more time with me.  Sweet boy, love that kid.

Now these are from this week.  The time frame really doesn't matter it's just some days I feel the need to include you in the moment by moment all important happenings.... yah.

I can hear the 3 girl pidglets in the kitchen talking as I'm in my craft room (not crafting)

Hanna:  "This is what you wear?"
Moi:  "Yah..."
Hanna:  "Okay... I'm going to have to let you use mine."  spoken in such a seriously worried and concerned tone.
Me:  "Moi, what's she talking about?"
Moi walks in to my room all serious, "I don't know.  She saw my mascara and took pity on me. It's a wonder my eyelashes look like Spongebob."

Busy was with me in the kitchen as I folded laundry.  Yes, that's where I fold laundry, right after I clean off the dried breakfast they've left on the table.  Moi and Hanna came in and were talking and somehow got onto the subject of sharing underwear (which I call 'draws' in this family)

Moi:  "I did all of my laundry yesterday and there wasn't one single pair of draws in my first load.  Turns out they were all in the second load."
Busy: "I hate it when someone else uses my draws... I used to always look at Hanna and I could tell she's wearing mine from the waistband."
Hanna:  "Hey, (laughter) I don't do that anymore."
Busy:  "Yah, and I'm glad.  I can't help it  - it's something about underwear.  I mean it doesn't matter how many times you wash it; it still has ghosts from the past."


Moi and I went thrifting on Thursday and I would love to tell you about our finds and I will but not just yet... there's a specific thing we were searching for and found it and were oh so excited.  But it's a to-prise so I can't tell you yet in case that someone reads this.  Anyway, there used to be this amazing vintage resale clothing store named "Two Chicks"  Loved it!  Well, they closed down and were replaced by another clothing resale shop that looks pretty neat but we haven't ventured there just yet.  As we passed the quaint little corner shop Moi says, "My friend Rachel loved Two Cheeks..."
I looked to her with a grin and pointed to my butt... "You mean these two cheeks?"

Ethan was playing on my phone yesterday and an email popped up.  "Linked in update."
Ethan:  "Hey mom, you have an email from Link N' Dingle."

Thanks son.

The missionaries came over for dinner on Wednesday and in our church they just go by Elder (last name) so we always play the guess my first name game because we're easily entertained.  We all get one guess then if no one gets it they have to give us their first initial.  So the first Elder says, "My first letter is J."
Well, for some reason we must have been particularly rusty at the game because with many hints and ridiculous guesses we were still stumped.  He then says, "It's a name in the scriptures."
Ethan snaps his fingers, "Hey, doesn't Lucifer start with a J?'
After the shock of my jaw dropping on how on earth Lucifer would start with J I wailed in laughter and said "Yes E, and his parents decided after all of the people in the scriptures they would name their son after SATAN!"

Then Lil Man yells out, "Yah Bubba, his name is Jusifer!"

Oh, my side still hurts from that.  Incidentally, they didn't name him after the adversary... good job mom and dad.  (wink)

Okay, that's all I've got for today.  With the kids home and out of school my work has suffered.. so has my sanity.  (snicker)  Truth be told it's been nice spending every second of the day together... I'm just more tired now than when I worked.  But the advantage is I have time to write down their funnies.  Being there when they create them is even more worth it.

Happy weekend friends.


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Thursday, July 11, 2013

Today, I'm human...

Did you miss me?  Never mind don't answer that.

So I read my Nay's blog post today and it made me put my big girl pants on and write.

I'm off again.  I'm sitting in a deep hole I can't seem to dig myself out of.  I mean, I can, I will I always do.  It's just been a little harder lately.  When I feel a bit stabbed in the heart from others around me I... I... always pick myself up.  But this time, it's been a struggle.  Because the behavior around me doesn't change?  Because while I struggle to tell myself it's me who controls me but the environment isn't altering... it's just been more of a painstakingly harder travel this time.

It's a reminder that I'm still not right.  That bothers me.

Nay was giving me a pep talk last night because strangely but so typically really, we've been struggling with the same problem 3000 miles away from each other.  It's funny how a friendship can stretch so far and so fast we feel each other in one single, zippity quick instance.

Feeling the same funk... me and my Nay.

Pep talk?  Oh yah.  Self-appreciation, self-love.. take away the self-loathing.  That's the one.  While we suffer from taking care of others and forgetting we're the strongest individuals we know.  So yah... I need to remember.  I kind of like me.

She posted this morning about her feelings and a picture of a lovely bouquet of flowers she received from loved ones.  It reminded me of those flowers I received for Mother's day.  They were so beautiful.

Roses, which I do love, don't get me wrong - but it was the small white and purple wild flowers that get me.  I love wild flowers and baby's breath and they were nestled in a white pitcher.  I collect white pitchers.  I have them sitting in my long kitchen window.  That mattered.  The simple white pitcher to add to my collection.  But then, when questioned it turns out the pitcher was something the flower-shop lady chose.  Not the loved one.  Truth be told I would have lied to me and told me, "Yah, I chose that knowing you would love it."

Shoot me.

It kind of hurt my feelings.  The arrangement wasn't chosen, just, "Hey send flowers on this day.  Here's my credit card number."

Don't lecture me, don't think I'm not appreciating the thought.  Please don't.

The point being I quickly turned my thoughts to this.  I would have chosen every flower that went into that arrangement.  I as a giver of a bouquet would have remembered that she collects white pitchers and included it deliberately; not just because I used to work in a flower shop 100 years ago and loved it.  I would have done it because that's me; the caregiver.  The thoughtful, (yet awful) mother of all.  And I am, just a little, glad to be me.

I struggle with the phrase, "It sucks to be me" lately when I drop a container of food on the floor, or try to cheer up a non-willing participant.  When I know someones had a horribly hard day so I greet their return with a smile and a cheerful word and they silently, grudgingly walk past me into the house.

That phrase, "It sucks to be me sometimes" must stop.

Actually, I'd rather be me... even look like me...with the flaws, the failures the messed up health and physical/mental crap I keep going through.  I kind of like me.

I'm frustrated with me getting better and healing then a day later I get sick for 3 days straight.  I don't like going backwards.  But it's me.  It's my lot right now.

I get irritated with trying to help lift up others who don't try to lift up themselves.  But I do it, because it's still what they need and helping others is really where my happiness comes from.

I wasn't going to share this.  That's why I haven't blogged.  I'm one of those people, blogger or not, that you can talk to and "know" and then something happens and you realize you never really knew me at all.  I talk about anything, everything, but never really allow you inside.  Self-preservation.  It's all I know - survival.

When I left in a quick flight escape with my children from Mr. B I had probably one of my closest friends at the time tell me how hurt she was because she didn't even know I had marital problems.

See, that's how I am.

But today, I thought I might put it out there.  Share some real feeling of inadequacy that I have, the failed attempts of a caregiver that relies so deeply on taking care of others for her own happiness.

Today, I thought I might just try being human.  Now, I think I will continue the journey of emotional ups and downs of just being human.  You don't have to read it.  Most won't and I'm okay with that.  But one day when my pidglets look back on this as they become older they too just might look back and say, "Hey, Mama was human too."

I guess it is okay.

So with my pep talk from Nay I take away this.  I am kind of amazing.  I am tolerant and kind.  I will love regardless of being loved.  And I will include me in that statement.  My contradicting personality traits were not a mistake.  I have purpose and I have a lot to share.

Grabbing a shovel I'll build steps out of my lil dark and damp hole.  The sunlight is never very far away if you keep looking upward.

Love yourself, forgive yourself.  Your shortcomings most likely are planted internally from others around you that might just not be happy with themselves.  So on my way up those stairs of dirt I dig, I'll uproot those as well.

Today, I'm human.  Weird right?

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