Wednesday, January 9, 2013

The road is long...


This might be one of those posts that others feel like they don’t want to read.  I’m disheartened make no mistake.  But in plain and simple terms I need to just say something…

Life is ever changing, the chapters continue regardless of my circumstances.  Clouds might shade the sun however, it consistently rises and sets each day; for that I am grateful.

In the midst of changes I can’t seem to make right.  For the others I can’t seem to make happy I am truly sorry.  You know what they say about the road paved with good intentions… but still I try.  I want so badly to solve.  That is what I am, the solver, the fixer of all, the go to, the make it all better woman.
{A little long for a superhero title I know.  Wink}

But in the center of this world that won’t allow for mistakes, or scrutiny that hinders, or defeat that won’t be expected I see a light.

I will be honest.  I don’t know how this one will be solved.  And that should have been a plural, it’s not just one problem.  But while my body continues to reject what I push it through with trembling hands, and finger tips that go numb I stumbled upon my
“About me and them page”

I just want to share it, even if you’ve already read it.

Bailey
The Radiance:  She is the ray of warmth open arms, soft hands to wipe tears; a graceful voice of comfort.  Encouraging words, delivering support she is the right hand; the guardian to the throne.

McKenna
The Healer: She sits quietly behind the scenes waiting to take her place.  She aids the tired bringing calm to the shaken soul.  Always there to pick up the pieces and stow them carefully in a small box of burden she keeps for all of us.

Hanna
The Fire: She heats our cold spirits and lights our candles that diminish from strong winds of madness.  Her brightness illuminates our path and upon trudging towards a new journey, she always packs additional kindling.  Without her warmth, a cold winter we would bear.

Breelyn
The Humor:  She fills our world with loud laughter and streams of smile.  Where there is ache, she crafts delight.  Loving giggles and mischief as a science, she quakes our world with vibrant color and whimsical spice.

Ethan
The Playful:  He stands close to all, watching, waiting for his opportunity to pounce.  With silly fits and tickling words, surprise attacks of love and thoughtful expressions, he reminds us it never remains dark.

Logan
The Innocent:  He is a miracle of his own determination.  He brightens our trail with sweetness and iridescence cleansing our wounds he washes clean our worries setting free our troubles.

My children… the astounding reminder that Heaven exists… the glow of my hazel eyes and my reason to breathe.

They are the one beautiful nature I have given back to the world.

This is what I am doing here.  For better or far worse, I ache to do right by them.  The blessings I thought as a teenager I didn’t even want to have.  The pieces of me that so richly fill me and allow me to have purpose.

I received a response to my last post from a dear, most precious friend.  She’s a ridiculously talented writer whom I have compared many times to Walt Whitman.  I’m not even certain what she was trying to get across.  Was the message my own advice, suck it up and be a man?  Or was it appreciate what you have but make those changes.
Or could it have been, Pidg stop whining?

Either way I want to clarify; I do know that the hardest part to change is actually following through on the change itself.  Once you’ve made that dive the rest is what you make of it.

I am not defeated.  I am in all honesty one of the strongest women I know.  To have made it this far keeping my pidglets with me and under my house and wing was against so many odds.  But I did it and we will continue to do so.

Part of climbing to a higher elevation is the burn you feel in your muscles and the ache in your back.  The summit, I believe, is not always your view from the top, but the view during the climbing journey.

I have a purpose… six to be exact.  And regardless of what any doctor says, I will not be defeated or even slowed down.  The sun will always touch my face if I look in the right direction.

Love…love… live for my babies.

The road is long, but I was built with endurance…
Thanks Mama for that one.

Off to my travels…
With much loves,
Pidg


Thursday, January 3, 2013

Fickle...



I love that word, fickle, describing perfectly my mood and rhyming with pickle which makes it a-ok in my book.
{My book, probably not so read worthy huh?}

Today, I have numerous thoughts but not much to say.
{Does that makes sense?}
Seeing as how most of my readers are women I image it does.  {wink}

I am unsettled… I am plucking thoughts from my mind’s attic and tossing them into the stream of reflection that is flowing through so viciously as we speak.  Problem is – my raft seems to have a few holes in it.
Oh crud, where did those paddles go?

Am I depressed?  Naw, I don’t have time for that.  Denial however, is my constant companion.  {smirk}
I prefer to think of it as mentally unreliable or perhaps, unpredictably competent… Shorting out… bruised?  You like that better?

Either way, I’m still functioning with a smile; for now.

What happens when you get to the point where things just aren’t right and your mind and/or body won’t stand for it anymore?  Well, not the way it’s going anyway.  Do you make that change?  That is to say if you can figure out what precisely that alteration {quite possibly altercation} is that will or needs to be made?
Ahh… fickle!

Do you stand for it?  I’ve been doing that.  Nothing is so wrong in my world I just believe that with age comes wisdom and well… age.  {snicker}

My body isn’t handling things the way it’s youthful {never graceful} self once did.  I am most certainly still super woman.
 make no mistake.
However, my cape is torn and others are beginning to notice the hand-sewn patches on it.

I sold three rings and a necklace yesterday.  Sad secret?  I didn’t even realize my shops were still open.  {long sigh}  You know, those shops that are my therapy, my happy and my fulfillment until I somehow publish and get that ranch we’re all escaping too. {grin}

I like to work.  I don’t mind if I’m working elbow deep with others around me or simply cleaning toilets.  Work is work.  But isn’t this life meant to be enjoyed?  Am I one to give up dreams, that I’ve buried somewhere in the sand, so that I might just survive in the current of others doing the same thing?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for the work and the job but at what expense?

What am I teaching my Pidglets?  Work, eat, sleep…wash rinse and repeat?  That’s not how I pictured it… that’s not how I used to be.

Do my Pidglets lack a work ethic because I do it all?  Wait, I thought I was teaching by example.  Can you really get things right?
Or do we just get things done roughly well?
Or do I teach them unevenly; coarse at best?
Huh?  I thought you said something…. {wink}

I think weve had this discussion.

I think I decided to make changes and then I somehow allowed others to string me up by my deep sense of loyalty and obligation.  I definitely remember a conversation where I said I was going to invest in me.

Yah well, I do believe I lied.

OH!  And get this… I had a doctor appointment… that turned into 3 more.  I’m not ready to dive into all of that just yet; as I said, I am rationally challenged at this time.  {the terms just keep getting better huh?}
I’ll worry if they tell me it’s time; however, that defies one of the doctor’s orders in itself.

I think it’s time to stop white water rafting in the rapids of uncertainty.
 
I’m thinking that perhaps, I’ve given the paddles of my boat to others.

I’m crafting a theory that I might just have to swim back to shore.  After all, I do enjoy land, and ground beneath me feet; something I can stand on, count on and a steady course of trudging opposed to paddling with your hands.  Wait… something was buried in that sand as well huh?

I do love surprises.  {grin}

Hey, my Po and Pidglets know how to swim… I admit I may have to hand out a few floaties to get us there though.

So, I’ll function, survive and head into my craft room if you don’t mind… my therapist is waiting… {smirk}


Over and Out,

loves,
Pidg