Tuesday, November 26, 2013

In desperate need of a cup of cheer...

So, the kids had a two hour delay for the fierce freezing rain (we did not get).  I was doing good.  Oh so good.

Back up...

Last night, since I've been working so much I just missed family time.  So with all of the jubilee I had left in my Lil black heart Po and I put up the tree and when the kids rolled in we decorated the tree and were supposed to have a movie night.  We did... but they fought and bugged and wouldn't clean up the trashed house they created themselves... blahh... we survived.

So this morning back to the two hour delay.  The house (still trashed mind you) had waited.  But that's okay, Pidg put on her big girl smile and tried to be happy happy Christmas is coming... regardless of the fact that the Christmas bonus from work had gone from good to nil.  It's okay, it's about the season, the family, the love, the Savior.  

Still being good.

Then it was time for Lil Man to get out to the bus in the plant mister rain that was not freezing.  He was irritated but that's fine too.  He's generally irritated when school is mentioned.  E takes him to the end of the driveway I tell him it's okay for Lil Man to hold the umbrella when they stop.  Evidently E didn't agree and somehow Lil Man is back at the door having been tackled by his brother and the umbrella looks like it was run over by the school bus.  (breathe Pidg)  

Nope... breathing did not help on this one.

Pidg fine... forget third person... I freaked out.  Teeth gritted and gnashing saying words under my breath so that the neighbors (8 streets away) didn't hear.  I come inside and suddenly the kitchen that was in all honestly TRASHED complete with dinner left out and wasted suddenly became this mountain of rage.  

I don't mind cleaning.  As a matter of fact it's therapy to me.  But in walks children slowly and quietly offering "now" to help.  (I like to refer to that as fear of the Mama)  

Too late.

I screamed and cried and snotted and spit.... as I cleaned the kitchen.

Don't they get it?  They're old enough.  I have two that have jobs and will be out of this house legally withing 6 months and the other a year and a half.  I have young adults not just Pidglet-children.  Why can't they see if I have to BEG then it's too late.  My worth, my esteem comes solely from them.  I give all and give strong so that they might learn lessons and become the people I know they can be.  But in those instances of disobedience, disregard and flat out chaos my heart sinks.  

I have no worth.  I am not worth cleaning the kitchen for.... folding the laundry I washed for... vacuuming up the dog fur for...

Do I know the answers to these questions?  Well, I know what you guys will say, especially the seasoned mothers.  It's normal.  They're kids.  They will see it one day.  

I don't care!  I don't need those comments or that reassurance that one day when they're out on their own they will have children of their own and call me and say thank you ... how did you do it Mama?  I appreciate everything you did for us as a single mom... always a single mom regardless if I was married.... 

By then I won't get those phone calls seeing as how I will have moved to a shanty in an undisclosed location that doesn't have cell phone service and all you eat is the vegetables from the garden I grow myself because there is no store with people on my small piece of land in no where.

Yah, I still love run-on sentences.  Almost as much as I like my shanty idea.

I just needed to vent.  To release to scream from my mountain of ruble ... thanks.

So now, I'm listening to my latest and greatest find from my eldest Pidglet Bailey - Ptxmas deluxe Christmas CD.  Yes, I'm cheating on Michael Buble.  But just a lil.  I'm smelling the season that smells just a bit like cinnamon mixed with a vacuum filter they got wet... I'm working on that.  Finishing the kitchen plus a second custom order for the Cottage and three rings to be mailed out... all on the only day off I got this week. (Yes, pity party still going strong.)

I see no need for punctuation or more tears or snotting.  I'm okay.  Worthless but okay.  wink

I'm searching for a cup of cheer, as usuall I'll make it myself.  That part I am thankful for.  My Mama taught me that.  Find the best in the situation and drink up.  (Not literally, although drinking is sounding better and better the more Motherhood stretches me)

Happy day, clean well, tolerate all and scream strong.  I think I got it all.

Over and laid out... with Christmas music filling these walls.

Much love and thankfulness you are tolerant of me.


Wednesday, November 20, 2013

10 Reasons...

I just got home.  I'm safe.  No people. Just dogs.  Ahhh.... better...

For me and EVERYONE else who had to put up with me today.

Without further back peddling, hesitation, distraction and waylaying...

10 reasons why I'm a freak-show:

1.  I prefer to be honest when others do not.  I know, it sounds really good, but when you hear what I have to say humans generally a. don't like it or b. feel uncomfortable I just admitted out loud what they wouldn't dare say.

2.  I drink homemade salsa.

3.  I fweek out (yes that's how you spell it in this family) when someone tells me to do something I already know but have been pulled in 20 other directions.  If you come at me you might want to be right.  When I say fweek out, I mean my frustration/tolerance is at an all-time high/low and I can't look said person in the eye only because they will see my "I will kill you with my bare hands look" and that doesn't seem to make that person secure in their existence.  (weird right?)

4. I eat my body weight in Fritos and hummus....still.

5. When left to my own devices I do things like cut my own hair. 
(only about 3 or 4 inches...fine 6) but it's hair.  Funny thing about hair... it grows back.

6. When I try to show restraint and not voice my thoughts/opinions it feels awkward and generally I end up opening my mouth a bit wider than intended... I like to call it "a spell".

7. I have "spells" a lot lately.

8. I have a strong sense of justice and injustice...right and wrong... it doesn't fit in this world so much anymore.  So... I just don't fit in.

9. I eat butter cream icing with pickles.  Daddy always told me when I was younger he would know when I was pregnant when I started eating normal.  So no worries, Pidg is a-okay and without any Pidglets sprouting.

10.  I'm quitting my job and becoming a goat farmer.  I tried to give them notice and all and for some strange reason people just keep laughing at me.  I think that's a challenge, like they think I can't do it or something.  My top boss had the nerve to tell me in his southern drawl... "But there's no money in goat farming" to which I promptly responded... "Do I look like a girl that needs money?"  He grinned.  Evidently that's a yes.  

Don't worry, I'll prove them all wrong.  (smirk)

Happy day.  Mine should start in about 1 Dr. Pepper.

Over and out,

Friday, November 15, 2013

She escaped...

So, I've disappeared and reappeared blah... blahh... I'm here when I can be ya know?

So, today I was off work.  I was told on strict orders to do nothing but nothing.  (I'm sorry, who was he talking to?)  grin.  Well, I had to take Po to work, then I had to run a not so fun errand that put me dangerously close to Michael's.  What did I do?  Pshh... went to Michael's of course!

I had the most fun walking around by myself, smelling the season and looking at things as the ideas sprang like curls from my noggin.  I did get a few things and came in under budget.  Which of course is funny considering that I had no business being there at all so truly I came in way under "magic" budget.  Yes.

I went home and had a "coffee date" with my Nay on the phone and oh do I just love when we actually get time to catch up and have the same conversations we always do like they're new to us.  In the end, she told me to start blogging again.  She thinks, and it's slightly irritating that she's mostly always right, that I feel the way I do because of things that are happening because of not having my outlet - blogging.  Fine.

So here I am.

Wanna know what else I did that was so mischievous?  I went by myself mind you, to McDonald's got a large fry that was ridiculously perfectly cooked and inhaled them.  They spoke to me.  They understand me. Amen.  Possibly the highlight of the day.

Then... as I was mailing a sign I sold from the Cottage and heading towards Po for lunch I got a call from a friend that needed a lil help with baby and getting a few chores done and so off I headed.  It was nice AND I got my baby fix.  Always a plus!

Now, I'm home on my heating pad, contemplating blogging, writing, my shops and how long I can keep working without a plan in sight.  I'm strangely optimistic; mostly about eating the Rocky Road ice cream that's waiting for me in the freezer.  But a plan I will hatch.  

My Nay is right, I do need my outlet back.  I do need time for me and to accomplish the things that really matter, like Dr. Pepper... wait? What?!

Either way it was sooo much fun to escape and be with my Nay and help a friend and smell the Season. Oh... what will I do next.  Brush up on my writing perhaps?  Yes.

Over and out,