Thursday, July 11, 2013

Today, I'm human...

Did you miss me?  Never mind don't answer that.

So I read my Nay's blog post today and it made me put my big girl pants on and write.

I'm off again.  I'm sitting in a deep hole I can't seem to dig myself out of.  I mean, I can, I will I always do.  It's just been a little harder lately.  When I feel a bit stabbed in the heart from others around me I... I... always pick myself up.  But this time, it's been a struggle.  Because the behavior around me doesn't change?  Because while I struggle to tell myself it's me who controls me but the environment isn't altering... it's just been more of a painstakingly harder travel this time.

It's a reminder that I'm still not right.  That bothers me.

Nay was giving me a pep talk last night because strangely but so typically really, we've been struggling with the same problem 3000 miles away from each other.  It's funny how a friendship can stretch so far and so fast we feel each other in one single, zippity quick instance.

Feeling the same funk... me and my Nay.

Pep talk?  Oh yah.  Self-appreciation, self-love.. take away the self-loathing.  That's the one.  While we suffer from taking care of others and forgetting we're the strongest individuals we know.  So yah... I need to remember.  I kind of like me.

She posted this morning about her feelings and a picture of a lovely bouquet of flowers she received from loved ones.  It reminded me of those flowers I received for Mother's day.  They were so beautiful.

Roses, which I do love, don't get me wrong - but it was the small white and purple wild flowers that get me.  I love wild flowers and baby's breath and they were nestled in a white pitcher.  I collect white pitchers.  I have them sitting in my long kitchen window.  That mattered.  The simple white pitcher to add to my collection.  But then, when questioned it turns out the pitcher was something the flower-shop lady chose.  Not the loved one.  Truth be told I would have lied to me and told me, "Yah, I chose that knowing you would love it."

Shoot me.

It kind of hurt my feelings.  The arrangement wasn't chosen, just, "Hey send flowers on this day.  Here's my credit card number."

Don't lecture me, don't think I'm not appreciating the thought.  Please don't.

The point being I quickly turned my thoughts to this.  I would have chosen every flower that went into that arrangement.  I as a giver of a bouquet would have remembered that she collects white pitchers and included it deliberately; not just because I used to work in a flower shop 100 years ago and loved it.  I would have done it because that's me; the caregiver.  The thoughtful, (yet awful) mother of all.  And I am, just a little, glad to be me.

I struggle with the phrase, "It sucks to be me" lately when I drop a container of food on the floor, or try to cheer up a non-willing participant.  When I know someones had a horribly hard day so I greet their return with a smile and a cheerful word and they silently, grudgingly walk past me into the house.

That phrase, "It sucks to be me sometimes" must stop.

Actually, I'd rather be me... even look like me...with the flaws, the failures the messed up health and physical/mental crap I keep going through.  I kind of like me.

I'm frustrated with me getting better and healing then a day later I get sick for 3 days straight.  I don't like going backwards.  But it's me.  It's my lot right now.

I get irritated with trying to help lift up others who don't try to lift up themselves.  But I do it, because it's still what they need and helping others is really where my happiness comes from.

I wasn't going to share this.  That's why I haven't blogged.  I'm one of those people, blogger or not, that you can talk to and "know" and then something happens and you realize you never really knew me at all.  I talk about anything, everything, but never really allow you inside.  Self-preservation.  It's all I know - survival.

When I left in a quick flight escape with my children from Mr. B I had probably one of my closest friends at the time tell me how hurt she was because she didn't even know I had marital problems.

See, that's how I am.

But today, I thought I might put it out there.  Share some real feeling of inadequacy that I have, the failed attempts of a caregiver that relies so deeply on taking care of others for her own happiness.

Today, I thought I might just try being human.  Now, I think I will continue the journey of emotional ups and downs of just being human.  You don't have to read it.  Most won't and I'm okay with that.  But one day when my pidglets look back on this as they become older they too just might look back and say, "Hey, Mama was human too."

I guess it is okay.

So with my pep talk from Nay I take away this.  I am kind of amazing.  I am tolerant and kind.  I will love regardless of being loved.  And I will include me in that statement.  My contradicting personality traits were not a mistake.  I have purpose and I have a lot to share.

Grabbing a shovel I'll build steps out of my lil dark and damp hole.  The sunlight is never very far away if you keep looking upward.

Love yourself, forgive yourself.  Your shortcomings most likely are planted internally from others around you that might just not be happy with themselves.  So on my way up those stairs of dirt I dig, I'll uproot those as well.

Today, I'm human.  Weird right?

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5 comments:

  1. Yep, we're all human. And darn it, struggles are a part of that. Sorry to hear you're feeling down. Can I help in any way?

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  2. My Pidgalicious...you can do this - I know it. Love you tons and by the way, while you're digging out of that hole, don't forget to keep digging with your spork to get to me...
    One day, sweet friend, those 3,000+ miles will become only inches away from each other. I know it's in His plan - it has to be, right?
    143

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  3. I have an extra shovel if you need some help. Nothing about you was a mistake, you have so much to share with others and we have so much to learn from you. You are amazing, very tolerant and extremely kind. You are also very lovable, cause I Love You.<3 So any time you need a pick me up, just let me know....

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  4. You are one of the most amazing women I have every known! Just look around you! Tonight I made chicken, cream cheese, italian dressing stuff with angel hair pasta. See? You did good.

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  5. Love love love and miss you terribly. I'm so glad you're my friend! Thank you so much for all you've done for me and all you've taught me, and all you've done to support and love me, too. You're one awesome woman, and an amazing friend. :)

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Thanks so much for taking the time to comment. I heart them oh so much!