Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Taking back what is mine...



Alone: 
   Adjective
1.     Having no one else present; on one’s own.
2.    Without others’ help or participation; single-handed

Do you ever feel that way?  I mean certainly, I am not alone; not in this world of onlookers and weak judges; free agents of taking one’s spirit.  No.  Let us not forget them.

Certainly I must acknowledge those that stand by aimlessly taking no action; those are plenty and of good attendance.  They sit atop their neutral fence of safety.

Then there are those that care and yet are far out of reach of a physical being; yet still they make their presence known.  Those are the ones that deserve countless reflection of sincere and heart-felt thanks and prayers of gratitude.  They are the reason I’m still standing {as scarcely as it may be) but yet I stand. 

I just wrote a post about my health.  But… again, I’m snatching it back.  I felt if I shared it with you I just might be able to pull myself up into facing what I don’t have time for.

No, I’m not dying.  Yes, I’m still undiagnosed… of course I could go to Dr. Google. {wink} but I decided to tuck that post into “another post for another time folder”
{Yes, I have one.  I wouldn’t be a nerd without it}

Here’s what I stumbled across instead; a random thought from my past.  I’ve always felt that poetry was a silly word.  Not poetry itself, just the word.  It makes my tongue feel funny.  No, really.

With one of my dear friends we would sit around spewing out memories of pain, trial, love and loss in the form of poetry on a bare floor; what we referred to as “wearing the limerick hat”.  Her hat fit better than mine.

I am not a firm believer in punctuation or rhyming words; frilly phrases and spouting sonnets.  Mine were expressions of darkness I have survived; reminiscing of times that could not be spoken; only felt.  There are many trials I have never whispered due to the pain it would cause in others to know I have experienced it.  So they sit… in a page-less book of recollection never to have been spoken; except to her with the limerick hat.

However, I did find one.  A sporadic though
{as I have always referred to them
that does represent what I might be feeling now - one that is not so shaded; a small story of what I am made of. 

Something is wrong with me… I’m going through something right now physically that is - now affecting my all around health.  I hesitate to say that I’m sick; that sounds so over-dramatic.  I’m just not right and the wrong continues to build.
{Yes Mama, I promise I’m going back to the doctor}

However…

In the midst of battle and giving to others what does not belong to them… which is my well-being.  I’m taking this moment to remind myself, my decision is made.  The choice I do make alone. 


My Footpath

Suppressed in the silhouette of a world I will hide
Relinquishing ally my own path I will stride
Playful and laughing not missing a beat
Trampled and drowsy not accepting defeat
We all feel the burden of anxiety’s tax
But it’s how I manage that leaves others taken back
I’m nothing amazing I’ve just learned to survive
I give everything blindly self-preservation I contrive
Giving in to the mayhem is what I refuse
Forging my own footpath declining to lose


For those that take for granted I’ve always pushed through I’m taking “me” back.  I’m not going to be pushed any longer.
I’m to the point; my body is making the decision for me.

I am declining to lose.  Oh no really, I appreciate the offer but I’ll pass thank you.

I think in the few times I’ve blogged in the last 7 months I’m piecing together, slowly mind you, what I’m missing and what I’m giving up.  Few and far between, yet still slowly moving back in to who I am and what I want to be when I grow up.

I’m giving to others that do not care about me.  It’s time to heal… time to change… and time to feel the warmth on my skin again.

I was born for more.

Sometimes, only sometimes you are blessed with the burden that allows you to see clearly.  Today I was gifted that... paved with good intentions I’m sure.  {sardonic laugh}  But my good deeds have been punished long enough. 

I’m off to Busy’s Endo appointment and one for me as well.  Why are we always the first to put ourselves last when it’s “us” that takes care of the others?  Today, I’m turning that leaf over again.  Today, I’m helping me and strangely… I might even listen to my doctor.

I’ll keep you posted.

loves,
Pidg

4 comments:

  1. Yesterday I went back to my post on Nay's blog just to look at it and reflect. You were the only one who commented. You have to go read your comment ;-) http://covertocoverandbetween.blogspot.com/2011/10/check-her-bloggy-out-heres-thing.html When I read this it made me think of it again.

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  2. I have no idea what you are talking about, but that's okay. We do tend to put ourselves last and we can't always do that. I hope whatever you are going through tuns out okay. Here is a ((((((HUG)))) I think you need that. Go with your heart.

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  3. I wish I knew what to say...but I don't think I have those words for you. You are a strong woman - always have been. I miss you and...well, I still hope you know my heart.
    I texted you once, "You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you." I firmly believe that. If you need me, when you are ready, I am here.

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