Thursday, June 7, 2012

What if...

OH crud, oh crud, oh crud… I wasn’t planning on blogging…
No caffeine…
It’s late…
My tooth, jaw & ear throbs… {abscess tooth…not worth blogging about…bad words come to mind}
I recognize this feeling; this reason for the emergency blog.  It’s that constant thought, that continuous plan of creation running through my mind.  The blue prints are being sketched out in my brain and I can’t seem to focus on anything else…this thought, this idea …

Im obsessing.

It happens. 

Here’s the dilemma – plain and simple…
Do I invest in myself?  Or do I keep living my life for other people?

Wanna know something funny?  That Ironic kind of funny… At first I typed keep living my “lie” for other people and that’s true as well.  I work, I survive, I’m not miserable, but none of it is really for me.  It is a lie.  It’s a classic “do what ya gotta do” type of thing.
But what happened to do what you love?  Do what makes you happy

Dreams right?

I desperately wanted a life in the military.  It’s me, I’m well suited for it.  One problem, children kept sprouting from my body. {wink}  So I formed my own regime.
I wanted to go to school; Mr. B wouldn’t let me.  Control.
I want, I want, I want…blah  It’s all whatever, I can always find the bright side to the bad picture. 
What if, that thought, that desire just keeps creeping back in? 
What if you feel like you were blessed with certain creative abilities to…I don’t know…
Do you continue to ignore them?  I’m not happy right now.  Oh sure, my marriage is fine, my kids are wonderfully awful, and work is moving right along.  But me, that lil inner giggling girl that used to live inside my hopes and dreams isn’t giggling anymore. 
She’s tired.  She just dyed her hair to cover the grey.  She laughs now at the chances missed because it’s easier than feeling bad about them.  But the chances missed are collecting.  That pile of wadded up paper is starting to block out the light that used to fill the room.

Invest?  What if I fail? 
I don’t mean crash and burn you stink type of thing.  I mean, I’m tired when I get home.  I have family, work, husband, church and chores that take up my time. 
What if  I just don’t have it in me? 

But what if I do?

The writing is moving along.  My trusty side kick Sheila Bee is on her way to being my biggest {only} fan as she’s editing my paper world.  But I’m talking about my shops.  That’s an immediate thing.

What if I do?

What if I dont?

Survival is Good… But Living could be better.

I don’t have answers on this one.  I just needed to get it off my chest.  Strangely ‘someone’ isn’t in the mood for talking. 
{Hey Nay, maybe my talking drained him!  Hahahahahahahahah!} 

But even when ‘someone’ doesn’t always get it…you guys always do.
It’s a rare time when the game plan is being written and even more unlikely when you have a lil tiny stash to support the game.  I just can’t figure out which way to go.  Continue on the slow path or jump in like I used to.  I just don’t know
Thanks for listening…I’m taking my tooth to bed.  A week from now, I’ll be putting it under my pillow.  Odd lesson learned.  If I wasn’t so tolerant to pain, I would get this crud taken care of before it got bad.  Let’s be honest; I probably haven’t learned any lesson.  {smirk}



  1. I totally understand! Sometimes I wonder if I were rich would I still have to grasp at the straws of doing me. I have a job interview next week waaaah, I mean yay! :-/

  2. Oh girl, you just preached to the choir. (the off key one woman choir!) I remember so much being that girl who wanted to take on the world, and with only one spawn, I was getting somewhere. Then number 2 spawn came, and BLAHM. Im dunzo. You are an amazing woman, to even make time for blogging. Your army, your husband, your job, your life!!! I need some balancing tips from you! ;) Hang in there mama! You will find the right path, and you will know what you should be doing!


Thanks so much for taking the time to comment. I heart them oh so much!