Friday, March 23, 2012


To blog or not to blog…

Maybe just a lil…

Today was my first day on the job where it was total crud.
{Well, maybe not the first day} but things were rough all around.
Ehh…it is what it is.  We’ll fix it all.
{eventually…hopefully soon or I might snatch myself bald}

BUT, going home today felt amazing.  It was like a breath of fresh air after being in a mine all day.  {No, I don’t mine real often; or ‘mind’ for that matter.  wink}  It’s so funny, all day I had my professional, I’ve got this attitude on.  I wore my serious look most of the day and my brain was cracking like fireworks.
I dealt with confrontation, delegation, a stupid mistake on my part and on and on and a fax machine that had it out for me.  {yes, really.}
Then at the end of this day I was walking back to my department and there it was, this familiar {beautiful} face; my husband.  My goodness, suddenly I felt all gushy like some woman with {or without} her hormone meds.  I wanted to cry with relief just seeing him there.

It was nice.  It was comforting.  It was home.

It still shakes my head like rice in a maraca that one individual can evoke such emotion and warmth in another.

I like it.  I like him a lot too.

He asked if I was clocked out {yes} then wrapped his arm around me and led me outside.
{I’m pretty sure the sun came out; in my world anyway}

Inventory is Tuesday and I have 12 mods to be set by Monday.  This might be the last you hear from me.


{giggle}  or at least for a few days.  I miss this venting and collecting random shooting thoughts.  Why do I always think I can push any type of writing to the wayside?  It’s funny how some of us always learn things the hard way and then realize we didn’t learn anything we’re just simply doing it the hard way.  {smirk}

Over and out… P.S. I love Po!  Just in case you didn’t get that.  {wink}



Thursday, March 22, 2012

The pause...

So…it’s been a while.  {A Iil long while}… I wanted to write a random post, I think I’m good at those.  The random, where is she going, why is she spilling out arbitrary, haphazard, strange and lengthy she’s-going-nowhere thoughts.
Oh, and run-on sentences…

But then earlier today there was this weight on my chest that I wanted to share.  I was mowing.  It’s that time of year again where lawn day comes once a week and I have these lengthy discussions with myself and several fragment prayers are crafted as well.  I thought about my weight…Haha!  No not my actual poundage, I’m still not quite ready to commit to anything that excludes soda and potato salad.
I mean the weight on my chest, the ache that is squishing my heart into a sputtering mess; the “pause” that I’ve tucked in a box and until today refused to allow it to surface.

One reason I didn’t want to post about it…because my family reads my blog.
They’ll read it…she will read it.

But it’s my blog, my clubhouse away from the real world.  It’s a nice lil handcrafted perch with a handwritten sign that says:

“No boys allowed”
“No girls allowed”
“Yes, I write and people read it but I really don’t want to talk about it…so no parents or husbands or kids allowed either.  I just write…”
{That last sign was a lil lengthy…I had to use legal sized paper.  wink}

{long sigh}  I just write – to the air, to the open, to the idea of nothing and no one else being out there.  Sometimes I don’t want to talk about things {fine, most of the time} Sometimes I don’t want to hear myself say things out loud.  Sometimes I want to talk about things but don’t because there isn’t a solve for it and the reasoning doesn’t sound like “reason” to me.

With that said {as gracefully as I get}  I DON’T want to talk about this.
I just need to write it down.


To protect the innocent I’ve changed the names in this story.  But it’s about me and my oldest daughter.  I’m Bula and she’s Clementine.  {Yes, I just did that.}
Yah, I’m perhaps a lil mad at the world.

So Bula was talking to Clementine the other day and Clementine expressed an interest in a plan that made zero sense to her mother.  Her mother, Bula, being incredibly supportive and strangely nice said something along the lines of “Oh fun…”
Clementine is indecisive and doesn’t know what she wants in life.


But her choices are dizzy and not thought out and seem out of place for a world with a completely jacked up economy.  Fine, fine all of that is good and well, she’s still a kid.  Truth be told, Clementine hit the road to early.  Bula wasn’t done raising her, but Clementine decided at a younger age that time was up.
Honestly I feel like I’ve been punished.  There was a split between us that almost cost us our relationship entirely.
Bula now stays completely neutral.  She has to or she might get shut out again.  There are rules and one of my rules blew back in my face.

“Suck it up and be a man”
So I do.

Here’s the deal…after a few minutes of hearing what she wanted to do I finally asked, “You really don’t have any desire to come home at all do you?”
{long…long…looooonnnnggggg pause}
“Uh, to visit…{she put on her hyper voice} Yah totally”
Me:  “To move back to NC.”
“No, I don’t want to come back…”

It was in that moment that I finally allowed myself to acknowledge what I always knew to be true.  I knew she didn’t want to come back.  I knew she wouldn’t.  Hey, she’s a kid, she’s on her own, doing what she wants,
{flying by the seat of her pants} and loving it.

But it was also in this moment that the realization of these other questions came in to mind.  Why on this green earth would you CHOOSE to be completely, entirely and deliberately across the country from your family if it’s not for school, or love or a job?

I never went through that “stage” as my own Mama would put it.  I always lived near my parents.  I ached when we moved cross country from San Diego to DC due to military orders.  After all of that separation we met back up in North Carolina.  It wasn’t that I couldn’t be separated from my family; it’s that I didn’t want to be.

The kids ache for her.
I do as well.
We feel replaced but the ironic thing is we’ve been replaced by absolutely nothing.
Just space.
I don’t understand it.  It all seems hollow now.  Conversations don’t seem to have substance.  Ah crap, I know I really shouldn’t post about this.  More so I don’t want to write about it anymore.  My thoughts are starting to peel and crack and I’m getting mad at the world again.

I think that the worst part is when she moved away I realized I didn’t know her anymore.
Now I don’t think I ever did.
I have five left at home.  I don’t want history to repeat itself.  I don’t want to lose more to indecisive, lighthearted, move across the country, I’m just one of your “girlfriends” type of relationship.

I want a do-over.  I want something real. I want her to prove who she really is; what I raised her to be.  I want loyalty for me and the kids left behind.  I want to understand.

Okay.  I’m done.  I don’t want my family members, including Clementine to feel sorry for me and create a need to bring this up.  It’s not about that, I just needed to put it on my version of paper.  Now it’s out and now I’m done.  It’s not about cutting anyone off it’s about knowing I can’t wrap my brain around her reasoning.  The last battering of conversations that were inspired to make me understand just made me feel like well…crap.  So I vent and move on.
{Just so you know the phrase “vent and mow on” did cross my mind. smirk}

I don’t like emotions and feelings and all of this…I’m shutting down, putting the lid back on.  Just know that I agree to not understand.  I don’t like it, but I have learned to put on my ‘hyper’ voice too.

I work.  I play with my kids I still have at home.  I love my husband and call my parents as often as I can.  I live and I attempt not to judge myself and question the mistakes I might have made as a parent to her.  It eats me alive sometimes.
But while I messed up quite a few examples as a parent I wish she had seen the most important ones.  The ones where I picked myself up, brushed off my knees and trudged back up the hill I had just thrown myself down.

Life is about progression, learning, loving and family.    
He gave us family to help us along the way.  I just want to be near mine.

My brain hurts.  My heart aches and my “L” button is sticking on my keyboard.  It’s time to call it a night.

I’ll be back with another post that I imagine will be my usual quirky yet earth-shattering
{I’m sure} type of post.  Incidentally I tried to tell myself I didn’t need to blog.  Turns out I lied.

Night all…


P.S. Bula knows she has been awarded “Bad Mom of the Year Award”

Friday, March 9, 2012

Monkey see monkey do...

When Bailey was here we did a lot of goofy things.  I don’t know what it is about that child but we play a lot when she’s here.
{Huh?  Yah, 19 is still a child…so is 34 and 68 as long as she’s mine…she’s ‘my’ child}

So anywho…

{no I don’t normally say anywho, but for some reason I’m giggling about it now}
I ran across a few more pics of her visit just before Thanksgiving.  It’s funny how that seems like years ago now.  But back to that playful child… when she was home we dyed our hair like it was going out of style
{She still does we’ve gotten boring; I mean natural. 
Natural sounds like it’s deliberate.}

We danced and we sang out loud.  We were a more boisterous bunch {if you can even imagine} and we honestly, I think, were more productive as a unit.  We were on the move more and always thinking of new and creative ways to do absolutely nothing.

It’s funny how in a family you each have an individual role.  Bailey’s was activities director.  We miss her terribly.  I’m sorry, I’m still not a fan of college outside a 20 mile radius.  I’m just not convinced yet.  {sniff}

So back to when she was here…this is what happened.  Hanna ran outside.  She likes to do that when she’s mad or in trouble.  I think it’s some type of ‘free bird’ syndrome  So, I walked out to follow, which means Po and the pidglets followed me.
{We’re like geese…it’s a good thing there are no bridges to jump off of out here.  Wouldn’t that be a terrible theory to prove… snicker}

I’ll let the pictures tell the rest of the story…
 {There are a lot of can scroll fast... wink}

 There she is... my lil free spirit.  She's always done this by the way; climbed trees.

 That's me fussing at Po to fuss at her and come down.  It's just not appropriate behavior.
{Even though I did the same thing when I was a kid.  Our trees just weren't as tall.}

 Oh come on Po...what are you doing?  Sure climb that tree....I don't know why he's doing it.  Maybe he's just showing off, or being macho..or maybe because I'm taunting him that he can't climb a tree 'cuz he's a pansy muffin.  maybe... giggle

 And maybe 'cuz the girls started in on him too.  I really have no idea.

 Hey, that's my man in the tree...and my baby.... I'm still taunting him from the bottom.  Like I said everyone has their roll in this family.

Then as Busy tried to calculate how her lanky sister navigated that first branch Po walked casually away and told me he'd like to see me try.

Wait what?!  Are you kidding me?  Oh please Mr....I've been ascending trees since like...forever!
{Uh Po, can you help me get to the first branch?  Please}

 Which he did.  
{This is one of those pictures that makes me cringe...I think there is a baby seal in my jeans...and I'm not even concerned with my 80's hair 'cuz that's totally rad.  Right?}
And then there were three...

 And another!  My goodness that first branch is a rough one.  I'm sad to say my large butt was the only one that needed help to get on top of it.  Hey, I gave birth to all of the kids in the tree, on the ground and in the house.  It's my reason for every athletic ability I've lost.  I just go with it. smirk.

 Tree hugger... you saw it coming right?  wink.

 It looks like my Bai is on the ground but she's on that first branch that almost killed me.  Po is actually standing below her on the ground but we couldn't get everyone in the picture.

 Here's our lil photographer who is desperately afraid of heights.  She was very brave because she actually can't stand to see people climbing trees or sitting on railings.  But she was tough for us; to document our attempts to be one with nature...and because someone had to be on the ground to call 911 if her Mama couldn't get down from the tree...or broke a branch and knocked the rest of them out of the tree...and of course to identify the bodies.

 And the dismount....Yes that child is in socks....sigh

 Just so we're clear... my dismount was way coordinated and attractive to boot.  They didn't even take pictures of it because they were all in awe...I'm certain.
I think Po wants to go back up.  But I imagine he was pretty intimidated after seeing my skill.  I might just have made him look bad...or maybe not.

Here's to being playful.  I miss you Baby Girl...




Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The show...

I had an idea to post.  {It’s gone now}
I began reading some older writing of what I call ‘sporadic thoughts”
{poetry}  I began to cringe.  Times were hard back then.  I was ill-prepared for what I was facing.
I’m back, looking at this blank page {it’s not blank anymore … snicker}

I’ve got nothing.  I say that a lot lately…  It usually then generates some type of quirky,  not thought out, random post.

So with keeping up with tradition here’s another glimpse into dinner-time with the easily distracted.

We were all at the table eating a ridiculously large amount of incredibly unhealthy food when suddenly we all noticed this square of sunlight on the wall.  It looked like an old movie film strip.  I quickly pushed a cup into the shadow so it looked like some sort of snap-shot.  Then Busy and Hanna started taking their forks and fighting with each other in the lil ‘scene’ we were building.  THEN...I grabbed the camera.

Here’s the show.
 Hey look, it's a fork.
Wonder what  we can do with this fork?  Shh...I think someone is coming ...

 Hello Mr..okay Mrs... hand puppet thingy-do... I'm thinking the fork is not happy.

 Just a guess....

 Ohmygosh..close your eyes young children!

 Oh...didn't see that one coming...

 Hey...we're making shadows on the wall.  It was only a matter of time before someone stuck their tongue out.  I mean...we all do it...right?  Right?

 And it was only a matter of time before Lil Man 'needed' to stick his head in the scene.

 Now it's complete...fork...tongue out...Lil Man's head. 

 We were so proud, he's not anywhere near the straw.  Yah, we like to challenge our creativity.

He's not anywhere near the fork either...we went above and beyond on this one.

More junk food...caught in the sweet moment of one sister attempting to snatch the other's pizza.

 Got 'em...

the end.

Don't worry...this most likely won't be continued.  
{Most likely being the operative phrase in the sentence}



Monday, March 5, 2012

I have a few questions....

Moi just told me tonight that she always reads my blog.  She thought she was being slick.
{Okay fine, she was slick.  I had no idea.} 
But I'm throwing this picture in just in case.  I should be able to hear her giggling or screaming from school when she sees this. {wink} 

There are things I wonder about in this world; earth shattering thoughts to be pondered.  Questions often burn in my mind that must be answered with a quick and decisive answer.  I need these queries addressed to make my world whole and complete.

Here are just a few…

First and foremost, why the heck are the word verifications getting so freakin’ long and harder to read?  Nay and I can’t keep adding to our dictionary of word verification if they keep giving me ones that are 17 letters and two ‘words’ long.  It’s like they’ve sucked all of the fun out.

Why do men {and sometimes women} wear hair pieces that look so un-natural?  I mean if I can spot it across the parking lot, hey buddy, it’s not working for ya.  I mean does he really look in the mirror each morning and see that shiny black helmet-like yak hair and say… “lookin’ good…snaps right into place.”
{It’s important.  I thought about it on and off the remainder of my day}

Why do you always need a vacation after your vacation?
{I don’t take vacations but I always need a day off after my day off}

Did the person who wrote the song “The freaks come out at night” work at Wal-mart?
{Wait…I shop at Wal-mart at night…another thought to ponder… smirk}

Do intelligent people really enjoy my company or do they enjoy my company because I make them feel intelligent?

Okay, Granny Goozelthorp over here…{yes that has been a long standing name from my friend Allison when we were teens} must go to bed.  I’m not really certain why.  People tell me I should sleep and get rest but really I go to bed and listen to Po sleep and wonder what it must be like to sleep and rest.
{Then I sneaky sneak out of bed and write or do absolutely nothing.  wink}

Will the rebelliousness ever stop?

Okay, I’m off…to wish I had a laptop that allowed me to type capital letters and exclamation points with ease.  {my eye is twitching again}



Sunday, March 4, 2012


I’m discombobulated… {yes, again}  but somewhere back in the line of silly things ‘discombobbled’ became a better way of saying it.  Somehow making up a new version of an already beloved word is so much more fun and meaningful.  It’s almost like re-fashioning the feeling and thought; adding a piece of personalization.

So…I’m discombobbled….

{Don't they look discombobbled?}

Here we go, this ones just going to be all of my loose and unwinding thoughts onto this page.  In other words, you may want to just duck out now.  {wink}

I want to write, but I’ve got nothing.

I want to write, but I’ve got too much churning and bubbling; thoughts that I’m not certain I want to share.

I want to write, but I’m exhausted.  Age has begun to mock and leer at me; as if one of the three fates from a park bench.

In the end…I need to write.

So, I will.

The new job is awesome, overwhelming, fun and challenging.  My department was blown out this weekend and I’m not there to pick up the pieces.  I imagine I’ll get an earful Monday when I go in.  But I’m alright with that; I have teenagers, earfuls don’t bother me.  My lack of ordering and being only one person does bother me.

Po is going through a mighty cruddy transition.  He gave 15 years to the same company and the last 4 years had been disenchanting to say the least.
Now he’s at a new company and feeling oh so picked upon.
{Picture that poor lil fench being picked at by its companions one feather at a time}

At least Po is already bald...that’s good right? {grin}

The thing is he’s new, he makes good money because he it amazing and disciplined at what he does.  He wears the “I’ll kill you with my bare hands look” and doesn’t know why people aren’t friendly to him.

Poor thing, I feel like introducing him to everyone.  “This is my husband Po.  He looks very serious and mean and unforgiving but really he’s a softy and it’s me you have to look out for.”  I hate sending him to work everyday.  It’s like sending my kids to school knowing they have to face that awful teacher or kid that says mean things.

But here’s what bothers me more:

I can’t seem to solve it.
Now he’s the one in a funk and I can’t snap him out of it.  His funk is affecting my funk that is trying to hold it’s funky self together and I’m getting a little feisty.

Lately there’s not enough caffeine in the world to stop my brain or even talk it into slowing down.  I’ve developed an eye twitch.
{Stop laughing, I’m really not kidding this time}
I know I do it when I’m stressing but lately it’s been happening for chunks of my day and messes with my vision.
{You’re picturing some crazy witch with an eye twitch and warts on her face huh?  Yah, so am I.}
I have these nervous things I do that have accelerated and leave me feeling self-conscious but I pray and just try to ignore them and hope no one is noticing my eye twitching so badly it looks like I’m hyper-actively winking at them.

The kids had started out well when I began working again, but now it’s back to fighting and not taking care of the house, or chores, or dogs or Heaven forbid they take care of each other.

I’m okay though.  You know my motto… “Suck it up, be a man”  I’m still with that and swimming {trudging} through the muck with waders on.
I just wish I could fix things…faster.

This really isn’t what I intended on writing.
{Although, I didn’t really have a plan}
But, nevertheless, this is what came out.

My house is a mess, my schedule is more flex than set {that should be changing soon} My kids are a mess, my Po is in a funk and I’m chilling out in an attractive pair of wading overalls.
{Not really…but that’s only because I don’t own a pair}

In the end, we’ve still been blessed so richly.
I think, {and this is the part where I’m whispering} I just wish those around me would focus more on the blessings than on the challenges.

There, I said it.

I hear a lot of complaining in this house and yet I look at how close we came to losing everything.  I wish for them they could feel more gratitude.  We’re being shaped and molded and sometimes {most of the time}  it hurts a lil to be sanded and shined.

I wish they could see their potential the way I see it.  On the flipside, I wish I could see mine as well.  It does wink at me from time-to-time though.

So, I’m discombobbled; trying to swim upstream and keep my lil fishes in tow.  Po is one of my fishes too.  His fins are just a lil tired I think.  I think though that I like where I’m at; for the most part.  I just need to spread that feeling to the rest of them.

“When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives.”
-Ezra Taft Benson

Maybe I’ll tape that to their lunchboxes.  {Subtle right?}  Here’s to positive thoughts, prayer and being a man… {wait what?  Haha!}
See, I’m still okay.  No pity parties here, just thinking out loud.  Don’t worry, if I was having a party, you would surely be invited.  {wink}

Hugs and smiles and flowers and lots of happy thoughts coming your way.
I appreciate you guys for sticking with me!  {All 2 ½ of you… giggle}