Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Where O where?

Where have I been?  I really can’t tell you.  It’s not that I’ve been on some covert, top-secret military expedition, in which camouflage and a sniper rifle was required.  It’s certainly not that I’m involved in a stealthy underground operation that I thought I had retired from only to find out you can never really retire.  And please allow me to reassure you the word mercenary does not come to mind.

I’ve just been around.

{However if the first were true I couldn’t tell you anyway now could I?  wink}

There’s just a lot I can’t explain.  I get these colorful ideas to post and then sit my self down in front of the computer and suddenly I get this bad taste in my mouth.  {Not literally}  I just can’t seem to get my fingers to brush the keys.  I truly have 3 half written posts that are sitting open at the bottom of my desktop just waiting…flat and left wanting for the usual flair of whatever it is I sound like.

I wouldn’t really call it writer’s block per se it’s just …well, I’m lacking.

We have a lot going on; a lot that some of you know and most of you don’t know.  I don’t say that to be mysterious
{now you’re questioning the first again aren’t you? smirk}
I just really can’t spill all my business.
{On the blog anyway.}

I wished the other day that I had one of those tight little “invite only” blogs that I could spill my deepest ever-most darkest thoughts, worries and trials with those whom I trust and then I giggled {possibly spit} when I thought of the 2 people that would want to be invited into that lil room.  So here’s my other thought.  I wish I could just keep about two people out.

But then in the middle of my, yes you guessed it, funk; I heard this obnoxious voice in my head {sounding a lot like my own} 
“Hey, get up you loser… {Yah, definitely sounds like me}  moving isn’t enough.”
“Move faster.”

See, I started thinking even as the dark is closing in, that’s exactly when I need to grasp my moment to shine.
That’s the moment that matters most; the time I get to hope and give and grow more.  While I’ve been a lil numb lately I am still functioning.  I’m just not functioning to my fullest of full capacity.  That’s where I’ve been.


Wading, trudging, not so gracefully treading the waters of adversity.  I’ve been trying to put more into my pidgletts emotionally and physically.  I’ve been sitting on the edge of a turning point waiting for those tiny fissures to open that I need to fill for Po.

It’s tense…but it’s good.
We’re good.

With all of the trials of 2011 I thought 2012 would bring a different light. 
Let me tell you.
And while the light right now looks more like a spotlight as you hop the barbed-wire fence of a maximum security prison facility and it’s blinding and white, and it hurts when you look directly towards it…I just simply…don’t.

I function a bit slower and focus {I know right…me focus? giggle} on the lil things.  The lil things that keep our family together; the lil things I can change or make better.

I know there’s something good, something bigger and better at the end of this one.  But right now all I care about is that we get through it together.

While I want to write on my books and on this blog I think sometimes I spread myself too thin.  Fine, I know sometimes I spread myself too thin.  But right now, I am giving myself permission to flail and splash and gasp as long as I keep us moving forward.   I might not go to everything I’m supposed to attend.  I might not do all of my chores or fill each moment with movement.  Sometimes I sit down and feel like it’s been hours I’ve been thinking. 
{But don’t worry, I checked, it’s not.}
But I do need to press a little more forward, reach a little higher and push a little harder.  Doors open if you keep trying the handle.
Funny how that works huh? {smirk}

Today, this post, isn’t a pity party…oh no it’s definitely not that.  It’s an explanation that I needed to write so that I might re-read it and see if it’s an accurate fit.  As you know, I self-analyze a bunch and I just need to verify with my inner Pidg what I’m really feeling.
{I mean how can I have rational conversations with myself if I don’t know how I’m feeling right?}

Right now my 37 goals for the year are condensed:

Pray constantly
Love my family
Lather, rinse, repeat

Now I’m off to go and see if those other 3 posts are keepers or if they get tossed into the pile of “maybe laters”.

One more thing I want to share.  If this were my world and things were on my time; I would turn off my computer, take each key off and clean underneath.  I would then place it strategically back on and smirk each time I heard that lil click as it fit back into it’s proper place of rest.  Why?  Because I can control that too.  {grin}  Unfortunately I don’t have the time and I really don’t know why I just told you that…other than …well, there really is no reason.  But it’s true and now I’m leaving.

Happy whatever day of the week it is!




  1. I have missed you. ALOT. or A LOT. whichever way you choose to spell it I guess. I hope that your super secret spy mission is going well, and I pray that the CIA doesnt read your blog, so you dont get ratted out for maybe saying your a super secret super spy.
    So I had something I wanted to tell you. Everytime I comment, I have to enter the most random and silly words (because of course I sound them out) for conformation. Then i think that every word fits your blog, and your sillyness perfectly!
    Prayers for you and your fam! :) Hope you have a great Thursday!

    1. Word Verification!!! Pidg and I love WV! You have to join us in the love:)

  2. *PS the word i had to enter was amervasm. WTF?*

  3. I have been thinking of you ALL day and was literally heading to your fb page to leave you a love note...then I saw this post and I was SO happy! You see even though my inbox has been flooded lately, there has been something's the email that absolutely makes my day and brings a smile to my face...the one that tells me that you've written a new blog post. I'm so happy to hear from you...that you're hanging in there. You got this momma, you got it. You continue to be on my mind and in my prayers. Love you lots!!

  4. Pidg! I gave you an award come check it out!

  5. HI!!! You write so well, I enjoyed this post in all its mysteriousness (is that even a word?). I hope 2012 is a great year for you :)

  6. You know how you have to start those dreaded workout routines, when you haven't done anything in a LONG LONG time and you know its going to be difficult. Start with baby steps on the writing treadmill. Write anything or in your book for 5 minutes. Next day push it to ten, until you are on the writing treadmill for about 30 minutes. I'm gonna try this ;-)

  7. love you...
    yeah, that's all i gots to say:)


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