Wednesday, December 7, 2011

The funk...

So, I’m going through something
Not really sure what it is so I call it a funk

I personally believe that when you label something it will stick.  If I call it depression then things seem  
darker and dreary. 

So I won’t. 

AND

For the record, I don’t think that’s what it is. 

It’s just simply… a funk… a bump in the road…a pothole…or maybe more like a deep sigh you’ve been holding in without realizing it?

Are you with me?

I have these conversations with myself.
Out loud.   
With no one home. 
{Yes, I did just admit that}
I don’t care what people say when you say you talk to yourself.  “Oh,” they say with an uncomfortable laugh, “as long as you don’t answer yourself.”

Huh?  Of course I answer myself.  Then it wouldn’t be a conversation now would it?  If I wasn’t looking for a response then I would find some inanimate object and talk to.
{Now that’s not creepy at all} 
So if you are one of those as long as you don’t answer yourself types of people, chew on that thought for a moment.  Strange people lurking {Haha, I love the word lurking} around speaking to walls, or their hands or windows with odd reflections or even possibly dolls…but that’s neither here nor there...
{Yah, aren’t you glad I’m back Fallon? wink}

Back to the funk

It hit me yesterday, as I was getting ready for work.  “I just want to be single for a minute.  No husband, no kids just me… working through my funk.”

Gasp…what did she just say?  {Yes, I did…you don’t need to re-read.}

My first impression was that gasp up above too.  But then I realized, it’s okay…I looked in the mirror and laughed as I reassured myself I didn’t mean that in a bad way. 
{Just so you know I was doing my make up.  I don’t generally talk to myself in the mirror…much… snicker}

It’s not that I don’t love my children or my husband.  I’m just feeling strangely pulled apart and strangled.   
Ya know…just that.  {grin}

Ironically, I think it’s because I don’t have the time with my family that I feel this way.  Huh?  I know right.  See that’s the thing about a funk is they don’t always make sense.  So I in all of my funky glory must decipher why I’m feeling what I’m feeling or find that feeling and label it correctly. 

I’m not saying this right.  Example time. 

I get about 20 minutes in the morning with my boys on the days I’m working late.  I’ve been working later shifts so I go to work before they come home from school and then they’re sleeping {so sweetly} when I get home.  Sometimes I get a bit of time with the girls in the evening because they stay up later.  I see Po when he comes for lunch {when he can} but when I get home it’s time for his wind down so we don’t talk much. 

But…

On the good side, I am so, so blessed to have this job.  Do you know what I would have done had the child support just stopped coming randomly for an undisclosed amount of time and I hadn’t received this job just hours before I got that child support notice? 

I am certain I would have climbed a tall building then been so out of breath and distracted from the out-of-shapeness I would have completely forgotten why I was there…but again, neither here nor there{wink}

I’ve also been writing on yet another story that’s been nagging me.  Honestly, It might totally bite; however, when it nags I write because it consumes me.  It might just be my escapism right now.  Who knows, but I’ve been writing.  That’s good.

I miss my family therefore I wish I was single…just for a few days?  Are we getting closer?  I actually think so.

See, with all of my emotional inside {my guts as Mama would say} I tend to keep my deep feelings at bay…buried… shoved to the back and hidden under the emotional laundry I haven’t folded. 

If I didn’t have people in my life there would be nothing I was missing.
If I didn’t have to work to help support the kids I don’t see then there would be nothing I was missing. 
And then there is that part that when I work earlier and I do get home in time to see them in the evening… if I didn’t have a family when I come home exhausted an in need of heating pants I wouldn’t have people vying for my attention
 {that I left somewhere along the road}

I don’t like pity parties.  If I avoid the feelings all together then I’m home free.  My reality is I do have them sometimes.  I apologized to Po about a pity party one time.  “Po, I’m sorry when I have my pity parties I always invite you.”
“It’s okay, I have season passes.”

Po got jokes …okay… {giggle}  season passes…sheesh… how ‘bout I smack you around with those season passes Po?  Haha!  You’ve got to admit though.  That’s some nerve making me laugh during a pity party. 
{He so doesn’t get it… smirk}

So, I sit here pulling apart my funk.  I think I’m getting closer because I’m becoming more productive than I’ve been.  I say that loosely because I’m always productive regardless if I try not to be.

Sometimes I sit down and try to talk myself into a nervous breakdown because it’s my turn and everyone else keeps packing their own bag o’ crazy and taking my white room.

I mean come on…a few days in a quiet hospital.  Three meals a day…it’s better than the prison option… {snort}  but I just can’t stop functioning.  It’s in my blood.  My Mama gave that to me.  She told me if I stopped she’d stop.

{I thought about it.}

And then I thought about all of the crud that would wait for me that the rest of these people related to me would not do and the fact that my Mama would come and smack me around because technically I took her turn…so I function. 

Yesterday I decided not to function.  {I was really going for it} I got the kids off to school and Po off to work and then I did the unthinkable. 

I.CLIMBED.BACK.INTO.BED

What?  Yes, I did and I’m not proud.  I decided I would not do a thing.  I would shower and get ready for work when it came but that was it.

So after going through a scene from my latest story in my brain I accidentally did the laundry and made homemade stew and a custom ring order for the shop and responded to email and dishes and windows and made the bed
{so I didn’t crawl back in it again} and put the soup up and wrote a detailed note for the kids …but you know what?
I didn’t clean the soup pot.

How’s that for rebellion?  Oh yah, I’m on my way down.  The whirlpool is swirling people and the life preserver is still on the ship!

So after writing out my horrible confession of wishing  
{for 27.5 seconds} that I was single and then mulling on that ghastly admission for the entirety of the work night and then waking up today to the girls fighting, the boys running around with bed head and Po laughing because it’s like this every morning…

I feel better.

It’s okay to have feelings like that when I’m overwhelmed or over-missing.  It’s okay to talk about them.  It’s okay to document them for my posterity.  One day those lil Mamas and Papas might need that it’s okay” reassurance when they’re feeling the same way.  As long as I come out of it realizing why I’m in my funk and that I don’t want to stay there.

I ache, I long, I miss…I’m just slipping in and out of the current, that’s all.  It happens and I’ll get my floaties back on and be fine in a few.

I always am.

Our lil world has altered and I just need to readjust.  It’s all still a bundle of blessings.  After all some of my kidletts have done some amazing growing because I’ve stepped back from the house. 

So, today I’m on my bed, not in it.  I’m blogging because I want to not because I have to and I’m missing my family.  I feel awkwardly thankful I can work and at least they can have time with Po.  He didn’t get that much because I was always there.  I made a pot roast for supper tonight that will have cooked the bejeevers out of itself by dinner time and laundry, dishes, and the rest of the chores will be done.

I’ve cancelled the deposit on my one bedroom flat {wink} and I’m back up and feeling the push of forward momentum.  I don’t always have to be the strongest out there.  I just have to keep going.

I might continue this thought and post it tomorrow…then again, I might not.  Just know when I don’t post, I miss you guys too.  I miss being in my craft room each day and I miss putting down random thoughts and sending them out into the world on their own.

I hope Tuesday makes you smile…Lots and lots of love to all of my sweet
{and very tolerant} blogging  buddies.

 loves,

Pidg

6 comments:

  1. Maybe your crawling into bed was more than you think. Sometimes God asks us to just be still... things need to be done around our home for our families (especially crazy busy ones like yours) but sometimes things need to be done for ourselves too. I get into a funk atleast once a week LOL maybe i should write it on the calendar and plan for it. Pajama pop tart day. I'm lucky to live with mondos mom who does the laundry if i get behind...

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  2. I'm pretty sure I'm following what you're saying here... :0) Glad you are on your way to leaving the funk behind. All mamas have our funky days (weeks/months) and they don't always make sense... I'm thankful for my bloggy so I can write out my thoughts when I feel like that. It seems to help. HUGS!

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  3. YUP!!!! I am so glad you are back! :) I laughed out loud. a lot. My kiddos stared at me, and then my oldest started laughing too. It was a cute moment! I talk to myself all the time. Or to the computer, or to my baby, who cant talk back, or to my washer machine... so i think its pretty normal right? ;) I hope you have kicked this funks butt, and are coming out unscathed on the other side.

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  4. When a funk strikes, just remember: this too shall pass. Unfortunately, sometimes it passes like a kidney stone.

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  5. I argue with me, myself and I more than anyone. We love each other and we don't get along. I totally get you here. You know the best white room in the world is a little time to yourself in your own space. I only have two - a big one and a little one and I know what you mean. I wanted to share with you my very first blog post. It's a poem. I had 10 days to myself when I wrote this and they had missed their flight coming home. In the 11th hour of 10 days by myself I wrote this. http://www.kenyagjohnson.com/2010/06/refreshed-i-got-me-tune-up.html

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  6. Do you know how happy I get when your new posts appear in my inbox?? I literally do a little dance :) I'm sorry you are in a funk my friend. It always seems like during the dreary winter months I tend to get in a funk too. Especially around January because that's the month I lost my momma. I hate it, but have learned just to let it come and not fight it, stew in the funky goodness for a bit, then snap right out of it {and I am SO thankful that I am able to do that}. I had what Oprah would call an "ah ha" moment reading your post though! These words touched me and gave my core that slap in the head that it sometimes needs..." I don’t always have to be the strongest out there. I just have to keep going." Thank you SO much for those words of wisdom...seriously. And now that I have written a novel here in your comments section...I will simply say that I love you to pieces and I hope your funk passes soon {{HUGS}}

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Thanks so much for taking the time to comment. I heart them oh so much!