Wednesday, November 16, 2011

A little tattered...

A lot of you have commented that you like the “realness” of my blog.  Tonight, I’m real; more like raw.  I don’t think I’ll be very witty tonight, but we’ll see, sometimes I surprise myself.

In an email to Nay:

I literally have been fishing through 115 emails
{I don't even know anyone...some are blogs though}
I’m attempting to clean out my inbox.  It seriously stresses me out to have more than one page of mail- even if I’ve read it.  I don’t know why, there aren’t reasons.  It just generates stress.  So I’m cleaning, I think simply because it’s the one thing in my life I can control right now.

I'm so embarrassed, I'm just depleted.  Mygoodness, am I getting old really?  I used to handle everything with flying colors now I feel like I'm just a florescent smear on the wind shield like a smattered lightning bug. 

I'll get it right?  I just didn't even get a chance to absorb anything...Bailey's visit, being there for my daddy, work...what work?  Really?  And I like how I don't have a chance to
breath instead of breathe...I'm turning into an old redneck at that!
{I really had typo-ed that to her...I just can't breath....what a dork face!}

When I wrote that to Nay I was struggling with gratitude and exhaustion.  What a crazy combination right?  Bailey came in and it was so wonderful, but I had to work most of her visit.  The girls had good times together but then when I arrived home and Bai wanted a few minutes with just me and her - the girls would blow up in this upset of 
“You always spend all your time together!  You don't even miss us!”

First, I would like acknowledge my run-on “paragraph”.  Second that’s not fair.  Sad thing was, by the time I got home I was so tired I even went to bed early.  We didn’t have our “yarn parties” and our stay up all hours of the night parties.  No late night runs to Jack in the Box….nothing.  She left today.  I asked her to drive me to work so I could have just 3 more minutes with her.  I was able to touch her face and hug her and remember she was real and that she does still miss us.  It was horribly wonderful.
{I’m evidently in to strange combinations of emotion tonight}

My daddy was in the hospital for 3 ½ days.  They finally allowed him to go home today.  I am so grateful.  Sunday, Po, the kids and I went up to see him.  A rude nurse with a cackling laugh said… “Yah, maybe some of you should leave…” What?  We’re a family.  Who would leave?  I don’t care about your test.  Daddy said we could stay.
{That chick was lucky I wasn’t waiting for her in the parking lot. 
Truth be told it was too cold}
but anyway we waited outside.  Lil Man was horrible.  He doesn’t realize the magnitude of all of this.  He was fussing and complaining and mopping the floor with his body as he flung himself along the corridor.  I wanted to cry.  I just wanted to spend time with my dad.  I had to leave.  Turns out my body couldn't even generate tears to cry.  I just felt void.

The girls got to go visit him on Monday.  He had internet on his TV.  My girls showed him how to use it and do you know the first place he went once he was online?  My blog.  Now I’m crying.  Do people really wait to see what I have to say?  Besides my daddy?  Because I can just call and bug him…Haha…if he doesn’t call me first. {wink}

I came home tonight looked at Po, thought about the emails waiting and the unwritten blogs and said, “I don’t want to blog ever again.”

Maybe I will.

I’ve spent over 13 hours in the last 2 days training on a computer.  {My bum hurts}  
 At lunch today I called to check in on Mama and see how they were.
{She was taking Bailey to the airport for me.}
I couldn’t speak.  I began to cry.  I can’t explain that either except maybe this.

When things are hard, or you’re tired or just not right, there’s that one voice.  It’s the voice that allows you to let go, the dam that’s been holding back the roaring waters, the emotion you’ve kept tight within.  For me it’s my Mama.  I couldn’t even hear her voice without choking so violently tears began streaming down my face.  I had to just hang up and text her that I was okay.

I went to lunch.  I got a happy meal.  It didn’t work.  I wanted to barf because I was eating  horribly and not able to continue my “Chroniclesof Movement” this week.  I missed the wind at my back {side} Haha.  {That was worth a giggle}

Po picked me up from work and took me straight to see my parents.  The day got better; by leaps and bounds.  I think that might have been what I needed most.

I came home.  The kids actually did great.  But I came home and they all wanted attention, they all needed something.  I had laundry to do.  {even though I did it first thing this morning}  I had to take the dogs out, sign homework and work pages, hear about their days and comment happily about their successes.

I changed into PJ’s…now the night is looking up. {grin}  Oh and then there’s this.  The child support is going to be cut to less than half.  I knew this.  North Carolina is overriding Maryland’s court order regarding monies I was owed.  I don’t even care about that.  However, the child support has stopped coming.  They’re still taking it from Mr. B’s account but they’ve put a hold on all outgoing funds.  My little pick up the end job just took on a new meaning.

In those 115 emails there was this:

"Tests and trials are given to all of us. These mortal challenges allow us and our Heavenly Father to see whether we will exercise our agency to follow His Son. He already knows, and we have the opportunity to learn, that no matter how difficult our circumstances, “all these things shall be for our experience, and our good."

-Robert D. Hales

There it was the light at the end of the tunnel. 
 {And I thought it was PJ’s}

This too shall pass…right?  I believe that.  I want to be able to look back on these trials and be proud of the way I handled them.  I want to gain more knowledge and strength through my journey, especially when I’m weary and a little bit tattered.  I know He is with me, I feel Him holding me up.  My goodness in all of the crazy directions I’m going in I sometimes forget He’s got me; of course I won’t fall.  Not completely.  It’s not even that I had forgotten really.  Goodness knows I prayed all day…really.  But often I forget to listen to those reassuring impressions of the Spirit and I don’t stop long enough to feel those arms holding me up.  Today they did.  Tonight, I am comforted as I can finally allow those tears to fall freely.

It’s okay to be exhausted.  It’s okay to feel out of sorts and not as controlled as I might like to be.  I give myself permission to falter, if only for one night.

But tomorrow, I’ll be back.

My Footpath

Suppressed in the silhouette of a world I will hide
Relinquishing ally my own path I will stride
Playful and laughing not missing a beat
Trampled and drowsy not accepting defeat
We all feel the burden of anxiety’s tax
But it’s how I manage that leaves others taken back
I’m nothing amazing I’ve just learned to survive
I give everything blindly self-preservation I contrive
Giving in to the mayhem is what I refuse
Forging my own footpath declining to lose

thanks for listening
{Deep sigh}   
Happy Wednesday!




  1. Blogger to blogger, friend to friend, I am wrapping my arms around you and your wondermous writing, and real post right now. I hate the "this too shall pass" moments in life. We all have them and it will be a matter of time before you are just looking back on it. (((hugs)))

  2. praying for you and your encouragement today!

    i have never been exactly where you are, but i have felt exactly the way you are feeling.

    take heart that many can carry a little piece of your burden to our heavenly father on your don't need to carry it all:)

  3. {Ditto on everything that Kenya said...good words, girl}
    We are there with you, too...standing right beside you, whispering "you can do it" and loving you from afar...
    loves yous A LOT
    and about this post - the emotions poured out of it - i cried along with you as i read your beautimous words...xoxo

  4. I hope you do feel better, we all go through so much sometimes, I feel like im in the same boat as you, blogging just hasnt come to be, ive been dealing with so much. Dont give up, even if its a small post, remember why you like blogging. I love coming here everyday and reading about your wonderful family and life. I feel very connected in an odd way, I just hope you find what you need <3

  5. I hate to clutter up your inbox {I get the same overwhelmed feeing when mine gets full too} so I'll keep this short and sweet...I love you...that's all :)

  6. I know what you mean about the hearing a voice and it just breaking the dam.. My husband is that person.
    I hope that you do keep blogging, I enjoy reading what you say, even if it's not all happy witty..

  7. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
    Romans 8:28
    Thanks google for finding that for me.. it's all i could think about as i read this.

    Oh yea and i wait for you to write new stuff too :}


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