Monday, November 7, 2011

Chronicles of Movement: Finding the Me

I think I hurt something.  Wait, no, it’s just my pride.
{Sardonic laugh}

I am ridiculously out of shape.  Ridiculous in the manner that I know what to do and I refuse to do it. {Familiar?  Hopefully…anyone?}

Today after finding inspiration from Lacee over at Momma’s Like Me I decided, today is the day.  I hear these women who “run” and exercise and do all of that jazz…that’s not me.

I NEVER take the time I need for myself.  I tend to do one of two things:  I talk myself out of it or start out doing it and somehow turn it into something for someone else.

“Hey Mama, where ya goin’?”
“I’m going for a walk.  I need to just get out and be by myself for a minute.”
“Oh, can I come?”
“Uhh..yah, go get your shoes on.”


“Hey Mama, whatcha doin?”
“Baby I’m working.  I’ve got to get this stuff listed.  I need to get my blog done for tomorrow too because if not I’ll be behind in the morning.”
“Can I play on the computer?”
“No…I just said…” {I take in the cute face.}  Sigh, “Yah, just for a little.”

{Relate?  Anyone? Wink}

Finally I sit down to catch up on all of the blogs I love to read but don’t find the time to.  I look down and Charlie’s wet dog nose is sitting in my lap.  “Ughhh… Let’s go out Chardee n Jack Jack.”

It’s not complaint, it just simply … is

I also have anxiety.  My diagnosis, my life, my weakness – my reason for sucking it up and not letting it control me.  But I think my worries are valid.

What if my hip gives out on me and I can’t get back?  What if my legs can’t make it?

I have Sciatica.  That is a symptom not a diagnosis.  I don’t want to go to the doctor.  I’m not a fan.  When I do go to the doctor I leave with an undiagnosed issue that they want to give me medication for and run more tests.  Huh? I also have RLS.  So the leg thing is valid.  Pathetic though it may be.  I also have back problems from time to time and my hips are out of whack…and my butt is big and I’m clumsy.
Huh? Oh…sorry.

What if the school calls and I have to pick the kids up and I’m too far away?  What if Busy has a diabetic reaction and I need to get there immediately?  What if they barf?  Po works an hour away…dang at my pace he would get there before me!
{Haha!  We live 3 minutes from the school.}

What if the people who drive crazy hit me because they’re not paying attention on this narrow dirt road?  Who would make dinner?  More importantly, who would clean up dinner?

What if I run into Bigfoot.  I’m so ill prepared!  They’ve seen him up north in Forestville on several occasions.  They call him “Stubby”.  I wonder if he likes that?  I don’t know if I’m ready to find out.

So you see there is a lot of valid worry that goes into this leaving the house on foot business.


I grabbed my MP3 player, my phone, keys cuz I’m a freak show that can’t leave her house unlocked.  Put on my…okay fine I was already in my sweats… and told the dogs to be good.  I knew I wasn’t going to “run” I can’t run.  It’s inappropriate to even think such a thing…well I imagine it would be for someone watching the sad display!

I got to the end of the driveway, it was misty raining.  It was cold.  No, I thought to myself, Lacee is running {like actually running} and she said it was crap and she did it.  So I can walk briskly…
{My goodness someone just put me in a wheelchair}

Movement…that’s all I need. Just feel something, anything, get out and go; I told myself.  I believed.


The flattest part of the path I chose was right out of my driveway.  It’s an unpaved road that is level and long.  Maybe I should just break into a small trot.  {Wait do humans trot?}  I look to my left and right.  No, there are houses. {Which means people might see me.} I walk, quickly, taking long strides and deliberate steps; those steps that allow your body to wake up.  You’ve got purpose, keep going.
{Hey, my hamstring just shot a strange wake up call.  I still have hamstrings?  Really? Who ‘da thought?}

Keep going…cross a major street.  No cars.  Whew, please don’t let anyone see me, this can’t be pretty.  I move further into this gloriously rainy fall day.  The horses, I can see them.  They’re so beautiful even with their pungent smell of manure.  Oh, how I love that smell…oh, the horses, not the manure. {grin}  I look down…just in time… Horses, I giggle to myself.

Keep going, down this winding unpaved road that now is lined with woods; gorgeous Sacred Grove material.  Hey, I thought to myself, no one’s here.  I’m going to run; just to see what my body does.


Oh holy cow!  Thank goodness for Linkin Park playing in my ears.  The music kept me from the fear of the earthquake that had begun in my body.  It was awful, but I kept going.  Pavement, pounding, air…where’s the air and holy crud what’s coming up behind me?

Ohmygosh, that’s attached to me!

What is that about?  I thought women with a huge backside shouldn’t wear running/exercise pants, but now I see it’s to keep it attached.  Wearing sweat pants just allowed that thing a life of its own.  Why didn’t you mention that anyone?

I could feel that rump roast bouncing off the ground as I ran.  Holy cow this can’t be good.  I turn to look behind me to insure there isn’t a car coming up or small children that might be frightened…the wind caught my face, my jowls were flopping.  REALLY?  People do this on purpose?  And they get addicted to it?  Really?

I slowed down, this just wasn’t natural.

See when I was younger, I was a power lifter.  Yes I was a competitive weight lifter.  Nothing on my body shook when I walked.  My mama always said I could kick a barn door down.  {Probably still could}  But cardio?  Not my thing.  We just never saw eye to eye.  Plyometrics?  Not a friend of the family.

So, I walked that brisk, power-walking grandma thing.  I could feel it in my quads, my hams, yes even my extreme maximus. I knew it was still movement and I was okay with that. My road opened into a phenomenal green pasture.
{No cows…I’ll have to look into that.  Never mind, I’m pretty sure I know where they went.  Flashes of becoming a vegetarian again…}

Have you ever noticed parents have an innate ability to sense danger or pain in their children no matter where they are?  Well, my cell rang.  It was my Mama’s work.  I know a few people there on a professional level so I can’t just assume it’s her.  I sucked in my breath and answered like Barbie, “Hello” in my best chipper I’m not having a slow heart attack voice.

“Hey Annie-girl…”
Releases breath… “Oh gosh Mama…grunt…I’m so ….huhhhhhhhhhhh…glad it’s you.” {Panting resumes}

I explain to her what I’m doing and that I might die.  And I’m leaving my children to her.  She quickly sent out words of encouragement. {wink}

I began a bit of an incline winding through old farmhouses and acres of land.  My view opened back up to the most amazing Fall setting.  The mountains were covered in
burnt oranges,
divine shades of heliotrope,
deep crimson with the most
 bursting yellow hues
all painted in tissue thin leaves waiting to plunge to the ground.  A slight fog was releasing its breath slowly down the mountainside as one log cabin lodge home was peeking out from it’s forest of hiding.

I wish I had my camera.

{I don’t really take very good pictures though so that in itself was a funny thought.  New thought, I wish I had my Moi.  She takes good pics.}

I walked across a small stream and crossed into a large cabbage patch.  I could see the thoroughfare ahead. 
{That was my goal.}

I stood at the cross roads.
I felt the misty miasma on my face.  {No wait, that’s sweat.}
I contemplated death.

I turned left onto the road.  Maybe just a bit I thought to myself.  Now I was on the grass that was recently long, now mowed to its flattened state, heavy with rain.   
That was harder, my legs {hips and butt} hurt.

{I really should get a diagnosis so I can sound less ridiculous.  I’ll pick one from the internet later. smirk}

I had a closer look of the cabbages.  They’ve not been harvested.
Hey, someone needs to harvest those.
You can’t just let them go to waste.
Hey!  Some are already rotting…this is horrible.
Where is everyone?  They should be on this.
Hey, I can cut through and not have to walk back the entire way.  Hey…oh, barbed wire…dang.

A black truck passed.  I tucked my head down hoping not to be seen.  I look casual right? I thought to myself.  Ohmygoodness, what if someone stops to see if I need a ride?  I look like a homeless woman in need of assistance.  I can just see it.  “Honey, pull the truck over!  That poor woman is in pain.  And no one’s hair should look like that!  We’ve got to help her.”

The truck passed.  {Silently I whisper a thankful prayer.}

I made it to the next street, my hips hurt.  The grass was a bad idea.  I turn back.  After a few minutes I can see my cross road.  There is a familiar black truck parked just before you go into the trees.  Wait, I think to myself.  I know those trees.  Those are the types of trees serial killers wait for unsuspecting joggers in.
{Thank goodness I’m not a jogger….whew.}
I keep my fingers clinched tightly around my knife.
{Dude, really, I’m from San Diego.  I’m always armed in someway.}

I clinch my jaw.  I put on my I’ll kill you with my bare hands look.”
{That’s something that Po and I share.  I’ve been told mine is worse.}

The truck moves slowly into the trees and up the road.  No one is around.  Hmm, maybe in all of my anxiety I should have tossed this one around.  I take out one of my headphones.

{I need to hear the serial killer coming.  But see he won’t see that, he’ll think I still have both headphones in.  Well, I’ll catch him off guard, turn the table ya know?  Threaten him with my knife, head butt him then take his truck so I don’t have to walk all the way home.}

See, it’s good to always have a plan.  The phone rings.  It’s my daddy.  {Remember that innate ability to sense pain, danger but most likely sweaty anguish in your children?  Yah.}

“Hey Daddy…huh..huhhhh…”
{I know it’s him, no need to fake it.  He knows I’m sorely out of shape.}
“Hey, whatcha doin’?”
“I’m out walking today.  I’m tired of doing nothing.”  In my best over-achiever, positive manner.
“You gonna blog about it?”
I release a deep sigh, accompanied with a choking laugh… “Yah.”
We chat for a few and then he laughs and says, “Remember don’t walk farther than you can walk back.  Oh, and I’ll be at Wal-mart, so if you need me I can come pick you up.”
“Thanks Daddy, I’ll be in the 5th ditch on the left.”

It’s sweet, the encouragement; it runs in the family. {big smile}

I keep moving, rapidly and with determination.  A dog begins barking.  I turn to see him lying in his driveway.  
 That’s the kind of guard dog I would be I think to myself.
“I’m warning you!  Come near me and I WILL get up!”

I like that dog.

Incidentally, I made it home.
{Without the use of the serial killer’s truck}

I did go into shock when I saw what I looked like in the mirror.  Then I grabbed the dogs tossed them in the car and drove what I had just walked.  My sad body felt like it must have been, oh I don’t know, ‘bout 23 miles or so.   
My reality told me it was probably about  4 ½ feet.   
But I just had to know.

2.6 miles.  Hmm..okay, I’ll take that.

2 ½ miles of movement that’s all I needed.  It’s a start.

I’m not going to "run".   

Or become a “pony tail swinger” 
as Kenya calls them

I’m not looking to train for a marathon like  
Jamie and Lacee.

I like to sit back and support people like that.  I am a great appreciator of awesomeness.

I’m just not that girl.

I need to get up, remember the Me that isn’t sitting on a heating pad.  

{Yes, I am.  My bum hurts from bouncing off the pavement. wink}

I’m just a girl grabbing ungracefully at a lil bit of time for herself. {snicker}

Now let's see if I do it again.  Wanna come?  Anyone? Pleeezzzeee!




  1. Oh darn and I wasn't going to do anything today. That was SO good and you inspired me. Even though I didn't feel like it I'm going to go walk like a ponytail swinger without the ponytail. Thanks Pidg (that was sarcasm just in case you didn't know) ;-) seriously I'm really going. LOVED this post and all its humor (5th ditch on the left).LOL!!!

  2. OMG, I'M DYING!!!!! Hahahaha!!!!!!!!!
    Seriously laughing out loud, well not loud, in a very loud whisper because everyone is sleeping except me being that it's 2am here.

    OMG you could be writing about me!!! This is how I feel when I go walking! The Butt thing cracked me up too.

    This was hilarious and omg so spot on!

    I need to start walking briskly again. I love the quote that says "If you see me running, call the police cause something is not right" or something like that. Hahahaha!! Seriously, that's me.

    I love how you write, you sucked me into your environment and all the beauty in your area.

    Thanks for sharing this, you are too funny... omg, I am still laughing!!

  3. Love, love, love it!!! I think you have swiftly moved up the ranks of my fave bloggers list :)
    This was funny, me all over, and really well written!! You are one awesome muma and good on you for getting out there. It's hard, it sux, it's boring but worth it. Says me who started another healthkick today but had an Oreo after lunch. One Oreo doesn't seem like much to be ashamed of right? Well, lunch was leftover pizza ;) I'll start again tomorrow :)

  4. You are AWESOME Andi! That was hilarious! The butt joke cracked me up! I'll be the first to say it though - good for you for getting out there! It's NOT fun or comfortable to run! You hit all the things that us girls think about while we run!! lol Thanks for the morning laugh! (PS -- did you run with your super mom cape on?) ;o) Have a great week! xo, Reannah

  5. Omg!! This was too funny!! I love how your thoughts just wondered around, cause i can relate lol. And the bottom meeting aint pretty but{t} it happens to us all! Thanks this is a great Monday post!! Inspired me to pull out the spandex...then quickly put them away {hey its cold outside :)}

  6. I think everyone up there said it all! You were WONDERMOUS! and! maybe you can apply to local newspaper and write a weekly column?!

  7. Ahhhhh!!! I love you! You make me smile, laugh and most of all RELATE! I havent been for a run in over a year. I HATE running. I used to do it 4 times a week, just to say "i did it". The hubs is a track coach so he used to make me. But seriously he runs like 10+ miles a few times a week (no word of a lie!) and I can make it like 10 yards to the end of the driveway. Tendinitis in my hip from yeeeeears of ballet and riding, and the fact that my lungs hate me keep me from enjoying it. But, keep it up girl! Seriously - everyone needs a little "me" time. And with all that you do you DESERVE it. Let me know how the spandex works if you try it ;) xoxo

  8. Ok first of all...I flippin' LOVE you!! Second...I am SOOOO proud of you!! are HYSTERICAL and totally crack me up in the best possible ways!! Yes humans do trot, I am trotter not an actual runner. And I am ALWAYS contemplating how I am going to fight off an attacker when I am already on the brink of death. I wish I had somewhere to run where no one could see me, but unfortunately the poor onlookers in my neighborhood can see my pathetic butt flouncing around while I am trotting my way through. But I'm sure they get a good laugh whenever I pass by...oh well! Keep it up momma...the hardest step is the one out your front door! Ok that's a lie, they're all hard but it's so worth it when you're done :) xoxo

  9. I loved your detailed story of your morning run..I mean walk~ :) You can do it! You don't have to be a runner to be in shape. I'm definitely not...I HATE running! lol~ :)

  10. You're hilarious!!! I loved your line about a great appreciator of awesomeness. I second that!!! And just so you know, this post was full of awesomeness from beginning to end :-)

    Thanks for the smile and the laugh :-)

  11. cracking me up! it's so amazing how your mind wonders! always enjoying your blog! love it! XO

  12. HAHAHA!!! First of all, you are hilarious. Seriously, that made me laugh. You basically said everything I felt when I first started running. Lacee is right, the hardest part is out the front door, and you DID IT! Be proud woman! :) xoxo, thanks for the shoutout too. xoxo!!!

  13. okay i laughed through this whole post. and think you are amazing and now u make me feel guilty for being lazy so i must walk tomorrow!

  14. LOL you are so funny. I love that I can read this and laugh and see everything as you write like im running with you. I dont even know if I can run. I bought a double jogger and used it once :( how sad LOL

  15. This was the funniest writing about 'running' I've ever read! Good for you for just getting out and getting it done!

  16. totally relate.
    Totally laughed.
    Thank you for being so real.
    Had to check you out since we were mentioned together ;)


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