Monday, October 31, 2011

An Email...

This post was originally an email to Nay.  Then I started laughing at my sad lil self and decided to share it with the rest of you for an entertaining morning.  So grab a cup of joe and a side of dry Mr. B,
{Yah, he can be a lil hard to swallow at times.}
Don't forget your side of sarcasm.
And pull up for the “How she does it” side of harassment.  Tonight’s story {or morning} comes to you via email.  Oh, the wonders of internet and how quickly one can torment you while sitting in the comfort of your own home.  {chuckle}

But not tonight - tonight I hold the reigns of insanity and chose to laugh when I wanted stick pins in my eyeballs. 
{I’ll be honest, It was a toss-up.}

Nay doesn’t usually have internet access on the weekends…something about family time…sheesh…whateves…Haha!  But really, I always email her on the weekends as if she is there reading them; most of the time it is an entertaining “I missed you!” sort of upbeat thing she comes into on Monday.  But tonight, I was feeling a bit cranky due to the weekend being a lil bit cruddy so I told her I was going to write {which I didn’t} 
and be happier when she got the next email.   
Here is that happy email:

I know after my first email you're probably worried about me...but don't worry.  I am A-okay.  I've {so far} had 5 ...wait, maybe 6 emails from Mr. B telling me what a crappy, loser-ish person/mother I am.  Oh, good times, good times.  I feel so much better now.
It's funny when you're feeling down and someone almost senses it.  And that same someone is thinking of you and takes the time out of their day to sit down and write you their thoughts about you.  It's endearing really; to be so thought about, mentally picked apart and shoved through an emotional cheese grater. 
It's flattering really to be the sprinkles on the ice cream of life and all that is wrong with it.  I am the pinnacle of EPIC. FAIL and he takes the time out of his "80" hour work week {while I have the kids} to sit down and jot me out - not a note, or a thought but an ENTIRE.FULL.PAGE.EMAIL.
Just for me.  Oh, 7 emails...I am literally watching that nifty lil number grow as I type this out. 

When I lie down tonight to fall into sweet slumber... {insomnia major} I will reflect back on this thoughty little gesture of
{no joke 8 emails...another just rolled in}
kindness and smile.
For as I live in this world in my mind he lives in the one I have created in the pages of a book.  And I might just say, he doesn't like it there...nor does he last very long.  {evil smirk}
But I also might point out the beauty of the written word within the pages of a novel.  
It can be read OVER and over and over until your funny bone is so tickled life allows you to smile again.
Huh?  Yes, I am smiling right now, a big, toothy grin, sort of like a jack-o-lantern.
If my works are ever published, you will surely find Mr. B within the pages of the story for he has not learned his manners their either.  Yes, of course I'm written in as thin and beautiful and he's extremely unattractive.  Retribution, even if only within your own imagination, can be very rewarding.  I suggest writing to everyone, especially the horribly mistreated and disgruntled {attractive...wink} ex-wives like myself.  But that's neither here nor there...

I had commented
"treat me like a human being and I will correspond with you through email"
And poor guy, he just can't seem to do it. 
{I know, me a human...Really?}
But in order to soften the blow if you will, of how intolerant I am as a human he says it like this. 

{Insert condescending, badgering, abusive slur here}
and then follow it up with "just sayin'" 
Haha!  Is that polite or "oops I did it again?"  {snicker}

Maybe someday I might be able to return his attentive words of sacrifice.  Might I one day find it in me to take the time out of my schedule {that has limitless hours as all Moms know} and re-pay his kindness with a dose of my own thoughts of him? 
Hmm...maybe not.  I already have to repent enough as it is.  {wink}

You all are so patient and tolerant of me.  But I know deep down inside you all have a Mr. B and your
“BOOKS”are already being mentally written!  
{and re-read}

Regret is such a hard thing to live with...and to think I let that fish back in the pond..."Just sayin'"....

Still smilin’ on this early, early Monday morning!

Happy Halloween!




  1. LOL! Or shouldn't I? I was entertained and that's the whole point right? I can't wait until you are published. "he doesn't like it there...nor does he last very long"... Ha ha! That will be a time that I stop writing to read ;-)I was dying to spy on the link for e-mail Mr. B but there may be a virus under there. ;-)

  2. Ahh Haha! Kenya, that totally looks like a link...They're my tags. That would be so flippin' hilarious!!! Smiling..AGAIN!

  3. I just had to come back and redeem myself or not - I totally have blonde moments and sometimes they last all day. Still laughing - I really crack myself up sometimes.

  4. This - exactly this type of post - is why we are friends! You should *totally* {the cali girl is full on this morning} write your posts as if you're writing me!!! great can be a feature called "Hey Nay!" lol! And let me tell ya, and everyone else, I loves me some Pidg!!! and I love the new bloggy design {insert extreme jealousy here} and...and...I'm off to read my weekend emails:) Yay You!


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