Sunday, September 4, 2011

The Spider & the Bee

So, I have two major fears.  Not the type of “something might happen to my children or husband” fear.  I think that goes without saying.

I’m talking about the “Ohmygoodness my body tenses up and I think I might have to defend myself with extreme measures” fear.

Yah, well I have two.  One is large spiders.  I am the type of woman 
 {for once I’m not being silly} 

that if I hear something in the middle of the night I’m out there checking the place out.  I’m not one to overreact and I don’t mess around. 

{P.S. Don’t ever come at me from behind.  The reflex is never pleasant to the recipient.}


You know wolf spiders?  I was graciously introduced to those bad boys when we moved to Maryland. 

{Maryland = land of jungle bugs.} 

We in San Diego evidently didn’t have the lush, green, trees and vegetation to support said beasts.  I know, there are far worse places that have larger creatures of mass destruction and humidity. 
{two things which challenge me} 

But this is my story of pain and fear and at that moment, my life was threatened.  
{Okay fine, possibly just my mental well-being}

But let me tell you, I would rather deal with the Wolf than the Spider.  But I guess the good part about it is I will handle it.  Oh….but I’m so skeert…

I was on the phone with my dear friend Sheila Bee. 
{That’s her maiden name and I call her that because it’s so cute.}  Every time I see things with buzzy bees on them I think of her. 


I looked out my window and to my incredible horror there it was; an intricate web, just outside of my portal to the world.  A ginormous wolf spider was splayed out in the middle of it screaming Halloween! 

Seriously, this was not your typical everyday of the year spider, this was reserved for Hallows' Eve only!  So it sat there taunting me, lurking, bating me to see if I would move or keep held up prisoner in my home. 

 {The thought did cross my mind.}

I am telling you, it could not have been any worse had a CLOWN been standing there in my window.  
 {That’s the other fear.}

So, for all of you “creature” lovers STOP reading now.  I know, I know it was outside…leave it alone.  But I can’t… not with that.  He would go somewhere and I wouldn’t know where he was.  Sure he could be at the spider store picking up bate for flies but how would I really know that’s where he was and not in my house somewhere shopping?  Then he would feel like he won and now needed to put it in my face that he can’t be defeated and for all I know he will show up at my door thinking he owns the joint. 
{It could happen}

I mean if a clown were in my window I would surely kill IT too!

So I grabbed the spider/bug spray, with Miss Bee on the phone and walked stealthily out into the yard.  I was telling myself that it was, in fact, my imagination running away with me and that it was not as big as I thought it was.  However, after appearing in the yard just a few inches…okay fine, like 15 feet away I could see it was indeed humongous.  The things body was the size of my pinky finger. 
 {I have limitations on the size of fears; he exceeded it.}

On a side note should a clown be fat or skinny I really don’t think that would matter.  Kill it…or at least arm yourself and show him who’s boss.

I thought it best to test said killing spray.  So I did.  It was the most pansy misty thing I had ever seen. 
I’m not trying to spray this thing with lovely fragrance…this will NOT do at all.  And more importantly I am NOT getting too close.  Sheila at this point is worried for my life of course, but being the supportive friend she is, she I am certain, attempting to calm me down was definitely laughing at me.  I told her I was being tough and she said she was proud of me, but that while I was being tough I sounded like I was going to hyperventilate. 

{I really don’t know what she was talking about.}

I ran inside and traded spider/bug spray for wasp spray.  Heck yes!  That puppy has a spray to it.  I mean it's like a 15 foot gun of continual death hose!  So I crept just a bit closer.  I think Sheila again possibly “guffawed” when I said, “Do you think it can hear me?”  I really didn’t want to take chances…I mean in all honesty when your kids give you that amazing test of your personality my result is I am definitely a Pirate and NOT a Ninja.  Which could have come in handy; but that is once again another story all together.

So, I sprayed.  He looked at me, in the eye, I am certain.  And calmly, and with great pride in his gigantic self, climbed down his web into my bushes.   

Wait, for reals?

Why isn’t he seizing up or screaming?
 {Maybe he was, I imagine he wouldn’t have screamed loud being prideful and all} 
But he wasn’t running or in a panic either.  He didn’t seem blind OR paralyzed. I mean come on! 

 It’s a death spray!

So, after all of the hair on my legs had grown back from that horrid experience, I held my head in shame and went back, defeated, into the house.  I continued talking to Bee…about spiders of course as I gazed out of my window. In all truthfulness I was waiting for it to come out the bushes now in a slightly glowing and larger state of itself having been shot with possibly radio active death spray.  He would now take his revenge, on me, for destroying his home of Halloween décor.  Thankfully, he did not.

But later, there in another part of his web-like condo was a spider... dead, curled up but somehow not seeming any less threatening to me. 
{It could have been a trap, just to see if I would come out.} 
However; it wasn’t him.  It was a smaller version, perhaps a cousin, or friend that had stopped by to visit. 

Judge me, I’m fine with that.  I survived, without any help, except the voice of a distant, yet supportive and laughing  
{to help ease my burden} friend.

If you ever need help with snakes, feral forest animals, wolves or burglars…I’m your girl.

Large arachnids & Clowns…{heebee jeebees again}  I’m out.



1 comment:

  1. Ohmyfreakenheck...I'm laughing even harder now. the Bee loves you and your writing makes my day, but I think on the phone I was laughing because I was just glad it was you dealing with the spider of the century and not me!!!! :) There, truth is out. I hate them too, so next time, maybe we'll both be smart and try the windex. Maybe we could find a hose attachment for that little bottle of blue killing spray. :) Love you, Marco "the Bee" Ward.


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