Saturday, July 30, 2011

So here's my question...

I'm melancholy...hence the bluish-grey color.  (Yes, I think I'm funny)  Okay, so here's my question... Why do I always seem to be the exact OPPOSITE of everyone else?  

Here's the thing.  I read blogs, and comments on Facebook and I find that MOST women have the problem of finding balance.  Well yes, I am definitely in that category.  (I am also in the category of not being able to spell definitely without the help of spell-check)    Just sayin'...  So anyways, my problem with balance isn't the I'm not spending enough time with my family part.  It's so completely NOT the part where I don't take care of the house and husband... and I seem not to have a problem with GIVING MY ALL.

Please don't take this as an attempt to display my perfect habits of wonderful child rearing and housekeeping {laughing hysterically} But it is a cry for help.  My PROBLEM with balance seems to lie within the realm of giving too much.  Is that even possible?  I mean- I desperately love my family...all of them in fact but TRUTH be told, I honestly believe I give too much.  

Is there such a thing as too much attention, too much time and too much effort to a family who is learning to take it all for granted?  I'm starting to think it's possible.  Here's my reasoning.  We are at the point we need to supplement some income.  For whatever reason after much Prayer...Faith...and Fasting...it is becoming increasingly obvious Heavenly Father just doesn't want me out of the house ...just yet anyways.  I'm not certain if a wonderful job is in the future; it just isn't ready for me yet.  Or is it in my own home my future "job" awaits.  

But, here is what I do know.  I have had many family meetings with the kids and several pleas of help and still, each and everyday I am so consumed with kids, cleaning, and cooking that my shops are sorely neglected and my writing remains gathering dust on the many "shelves" of my computer.  

Do they just Not BELIEVE in me?  Am I not that Important?  Because I will tell you right now, it's not about me.  It's about them...all of them.  Sure there is that wonderful thought of making it in a world I love, but our family needs this.  The dynamics of my family have altered so dramatically in the past few years that even my husband agrees it's just Not Possible for me to work outside the home.  {Unless it's a third shift type of thing.  Of course then I will never see my husband...and I really like him} Things tend to fall apart when I'm away...and they have... and it was awful.  But why then, do they not understand how important it is to support me in this; so that we are ALL successful?  Hmm...  not sure...

Here are my thoughts for today.  A day I spent with my family...a day not spent supporting them financially inside or outside of the home...

Spent 


Please help me feel when others laugh

I’ve lumbered long to forge my path

A menial job for those I love

My days are spent to raise them above

They take what I have I give what I can

But lonely am I when I salvage from man

Tired and aching my heart bares the scars

They don’t see the anguish I feel behind bars

It’s not regret I cherish them all

But in the rareness of quiet- they watch when I fall

Not asking for payback- just respect what I give

They seep out my life- it’s for them that I live

Quietly giving - running circles I’m spent

Wishing to find me it’s for their lives I’m meant

No need for hiding I’m transparent and gone

As they take the offering I’m farther from strong

No pity or worry my life is their own

I’ll continue the travel I’ve trodden alone

 I'm sick by the way...it could be part of my crappy attitude...I should have mentioned that earlier huh?  I think I just needed to vent even if no one else is out there.   I'll go to bed and sleep it off...providing I sleep...At least I'm laughing, mainly because I know I won't sleep. ;)

4 comments:

  1. I don't think i even knew you had a blog. :O What's up with that. Well, now I added you to my blog. wardbeehive.blogspot.com

    I still think you need to run away for a few days and let them fend. You know, a book-working-on-with-Marco outing for a few days. They might NEED for you to be gone, out of sight, not able to fix it. Kind of a tough love shoving them into doing kind of thing. You're an amazing woman, mother, wife, daughter and friend. LOVE YOU!

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  2. How do you know when to find, text or email me? You're so awesome! I would love to escape...and one day when I send you boxes of money maybe I will be in one! Haha! Miss you terribly!

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  3. I just found your blog from a comment you made - I really like this post. And with 6 kiddos you've got THE most important job already!

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  4. Thanks Amanda...I do love my job...the pay is a little weak though and the retirement plan is a little ifie. Haha!

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Thanks so much for taking the time to comment. I heart them oh so much!