Saturday, July 30, 2011

So here's my question...

I'm melancholy...hence the bluish-grey color.  (Yes, I think I'm funny)  Okay, so here's my question... Why do I always seem to be the exact OPPOSITE of everyone else?  

Here's the thing.  I read blogs, and comments on Facebook and I find that MOST women have the problem of finding balance.  Well yes, I am definitely in that category.  (I am also in the category of not being able to spell definitely without the help of spell-check)    Just sayin'...  So anyways, my problem with balance isn't the I'm not spending enough time with my family part.  It's so completely NOT the part where I don't take care of the house and husband... and I seem not to have a problem with GIVING MY ALL.

Please don't take this as an attempt to display my perfect habits of wonderful child rearing and housekeeping {laughing hysterically} But it is a cry for help.  My PROBLEM with balance seems to lie within the realm of giving too much.  Is that even possible?  I mean- I desperately love my family...all of them in fact but TRUTH be told, I honestly believe I give too much.  

Is there such a thing as too much attention, too much time and too much effort to a family who is learning to take it all for granted?  I'm starting to think it's possible.  Here's my reasoning.  We are at the point we need to supplement some income.  For whatever reason after much Prayer...Faith...and is becoming increasingly obvious Heavenly Father just doesn't want me out of the house ...just yet anyways.  I'm not certain if a wonderful job is in the future; it just isn't ready for me yet.  Or is it in my own home my future "job" awaits.  

But, here is what I do know.  I have had many family meetings with the kids and several pleas of help and still, each and everyday I am so consumed with kids, cleaning, and cooking that my shops are sorely neglected and my writing remains gathering dust on the many "shelves" of my computer.  

Do they just Not BELIEVE in me?  Am I not that Important?  Because I will tell you right now, it's not about me.  It's about them...all of them.  Sure there is that wonderful thought of making it in a world I love, but our family needs this.  The dynamics of my family have altered so dramatically in the past few years that even my husband agrees it's just Not Possible for me to work outside the home.  {Unless it's a third shift type of thing.  Of course then I will never see my husband...and I really like him} Things tend to fall apart when I'm away...and they have... and it was awful.  But why then, do they not understand how important it is to support me in this; so that we are ALL successful?  Hmm...  not sure...

Here are my thoughts for today.  A day I spent with my family...a day not spent supporting them financially inside or outside of the home...


Please help me feel when others laugh

I’ve lumbered long to forge my path

A menial job for those I love

My days are spent to raise them above

They take what I have I give what I can

But lonely am I when I salvage from man

Tired and aching my heart bares the scars

They don’t see the anguish I feel behind bars

It’s not regret I cherish them all

But in the rareness of quiet- they watch when I fall

Not asking for payback- just respect what I give

They seep out my life- it’s for them that I live

Quietly giving - running circles I’m spent

Wishing to find me it’s for their lives I’m meant

No need for hiding I’m transparent and gone

As they take the offering I’m farther from strong

No pity or worry my life is their own

I’ll continue the travel I’ve trodden alone

 I'm sick by the could be part of my crappy attitude...I should have mentioned that earlier huh?  I think I just needed to vent even if no one else is out there.   I'll go to bed and sleep it off...providing I sleep...At least I'm laughing, mainly because I know I won't sleep. ;)

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I need Novocain...

So realizing I’ve literally been avoiding blogging; which is my new “cheaper than therapy” approach to living the life I have, I stewed, pondered and continued to avoid. {snickering at how true that statement is}

Well, I read some of my other favorite blogs today and sure enough, they were spot on. How can so many women be going through so many of the same things I am going through? Why are there not more clubs out there? I will completely sign on to make the matching jewelry for our sad-but-true guild of troubled society members!
{at least I haven’t lost my sense of humor right?}

So with all of the funk I have been in lately I must say I have not stopped functioning. Even though I wanted to…oh how badly I wanted to…I kept my trudge on with my boots knee deep in mud.

How do I trudge? Well for one Busy just came in for the 7,581st time today…”Busy! Lantus time!” That’s her nightly reminder for her long lasting dose of insulin…that’s just the one, not the other 4-6 times of the short acting insulin she takes …but that’s beside the point. The point is, she knows I’m writing and as I sit here, pen to paper, if you will, she plops down behind me on my bed completely ignoring my comment of, “Take your blood sugar in the kitchen.” And, by the way, she just came back in for more supplies and continued conversation of things that happen several times a day. At least she acts like they're new subjects. And with nothing but love for my children in my heart what I am trying to get across is… Basically, THEY NEVER LISTEN… any of them. {Just so we’re clear I SCREAMED that last phrase in my head…and now I’m giggling…again}

Example: Kids get in the picture...they've got to go...

Aww...COME ON!

Perfect..well..for us anyways...

I’m dry…depleted…broken…tired…no, exhausted…left for dead, nothing left to give. Well, that’s the over-dramatic, girly side of me anyways…Holy crap, another kid just came in my room…oh please walk with me. I only have 3 at home tonight, the other two are at Youth Conference…but mark my words, the third child will arrive shortly. I can promise you that…this is my night, every night and every day.

I LOVE that they love to be with me, but I can’t breathe sometimes. I have applied for a 3rd shift job and am caught wondering. How can I pull this off? I would leave for work at 8:30pm every night. That is the exact time my kids are lining up at the two doors to my bedroom thankyouverymuch! Right when they are NOT going to bed, right when they are supposed to be in their rooms for their time…

HAHA! He’s here, that 3rd child I spoke of earlier…I am so not kidding. And here’s an even better side note; he let our two dogs in too! So now, it’s 9pm, I have three kids in my room talking as I scroll ridiculously fast out of anxiety, one is tapping on my shoulder the other two arguing, and one of my Dingoes {no really we have two Dingoes} is laying his head in my lap. Hang on lil man's talking… Logan whispers…”Mama, can I have a doughnut if I take a shower…I love you Mama…Mama…” {taps on shoulder again}

Okay, here’s the point…which I can’t always find. One day, I won’t have anyone letting the dogs in, or fighting behind me, or tapping me on the shoulder, or stealing my food, or knocking on “both” doors {who does that to a room? giggle} or whispering, “Mama” or sitting on the foot of my bed making fun of my hair because it looks like Bellatrix Lestrange, or telling me their secrets, or still giving me a kiss goodbye even though they’re in Middle School and High School {yes, they really do that.}

So at the end of the day I laugh:
1. Because this isn’t the blog I sat down to write and
2. Because I am so blessed I don’t know what I did to deserve all of this love.

Okay, wow…seriously, they’re fighting again…lots of love And, lots of love…this is when the Novocain would come in handy…just sayin’ {wink}

Thursday, July 7, 2011

My Babies


We moved recently (I still want to blog about that) but let’s be honest. Squeezing out the time for the few blogs I’ve done so far is flipping amazing for me. We’ll get back to the house eventually…

So… back to the sigh. I was going through a box in storage and stumbled upon this…

Those were my babies 6 years ago. I have paid attention. I have attempted to hold every moment close. Yet here we remain, they're growing up.

This is recent...I love to take pictures of how we "really" are opposed to pretty frilly, strangely stiff, matching outfit pictures where we look proper. Anyone who knows us would simply not understand.

The above picture is at one of Busy's doctor appointments. We were bored... What do you want from me? It was either this or they would all be blowing up purple latex gloves like balloons. On a side note I sent this picture to my husband that day and he said. "Okay Baby, just make sure you ask for small bills!"
I love my little bandits. Okay back to the picture. Do you notice one missing? Yah, that would be Bailey, she's in college now. Sniff...

She even looks smarter now doesn't she? I miss her. She calls regularly, although it's declined a bit since she now has a boyfriend, a great job, and school and stuff...and stuff...and...this part of being a mom bites. But I'm happy for her. Incidentally, she really does have two colored eyes.

Moi is in High School... but she promised me she would stay 14...she really did. And I would swear she really was 14 for like 3 years. Does a person's word mean nothing these days?

Hanna...oh my little crazy thing. I can actually hear her bellowing laughter in the next room over right now. She gets that from me. Not much about us is subtle. Last year of Middle she made no promises, she's not like that. Lock and load. Move! Move! Move! Now, that's Hanna...

Then there's Busy...the name says it all. But you know what's funny? I think she will be the one that stays close. Her emotions run high, but her head's on straight. She's in the middle of Middle School, never a fun place to be...

Ethan, Little E, AKA Bubba. He's the kid who just turned 10 and he comes to my jawline. Mark my words the boy will be taller than me before he's 12. He can lift me up (even with the extra 35 lbs. of padding I've gained) He's soft and sweet and sorely abused by his sisters. It's his last year in Elementary School and I'm overwhelmed with time and it's unfair advantage of perfect consistency...

Who's that? He's the baby. The Prince of Spoiled, the winner of hearts, the kid who says "I love you Mama" every 2 minutes...Lil Lo... He's the exclamation mark at the end of the sentence. The boy who understands too much except perhaps why you can't run around in your underwear all day. He's in full swing and he's hanging on the shirt tails of the ones who are already growing too fast.

Family is exciting; every awful, wonderful, hysterical stage of it. But today I'm just a little melancholy and feeling a tad bit left behind. I heart them so much.