Tuesday, March 7, 2017

She's gone again...

I'm just going to jump right in to this one. It's been a long time, yah, yah but here's my question; where in the hell did that girl I used to be go? She was loud and full of laughter...Endless in the ideas of possibility, now she's just this survivor. Now, don't get me wrong surviving is a good thing and I am grateful I have that ability but when did living become this?

I work I breathe I go home I'm busted up from my day. I giggle with my pidglets I attempt to sleep and I repeat, sometimes without even rinsing! When the heck did I turn into this machine? Several years ago I suspect.

My life is hard but please hear me when I shout from my soap box it is a good life. I'm just not living it. I feel a lil empty, a lil homeless. I still don't know what I'm going to do when I grow up. Does anyone? 

I have a good job but it's one I know my body can't hold on to forever. I love to create but I'm weary and restless when I come home. I have a doctor who gets mad at me for ditching appointments. What is that? I know she's on to me, she realizes as I get worse I avoid going in but can she not just support the denial for once? Pshh...thinking she's all smart and such. Well, yah, it worked I have no choice but to go in at the end of the month because she's cutting off my scripts again.  It's defeating to say the least that within a week and a half off my Fibro meds I lose mobility. Jerk.

Okay so the complaining is done...that's probably a lie, I do that as we know. But where is the solve?  I'm a solver you know.  Women tend to get all "Oh Sweets, you have a headache, let me give you soup and blankies and kisses on the forehead and flowers freshly picked from The Walmarts..." Here's me, toss a few Excedrine in their direction and move on to the next problem.

I know, the fact that I'm single will forever remain a mystery...hehe

I want to create.  I mean I know I'm good at it, I created 6 amazing pidglets in a matter of 11 years and that is really saying something. However, I'm retired from creating lil people so what's on the agenda for the rest of forever?

I have always struggled with balance, and if I'm being totally honest; focus. Unbelievable right? wink  I can do lots of nifty lil things with my hands and often my brain creates so splendidly what my hands cannot. But how do I decide what to make, to sell, to give of my mind, body, and lil black heart that will replace the therapy I cannot afford?  

Wait, what were we talking about?

Okay, so I've rambled and clicked upon my trusty keyboard, complained and laid it out on the forbidden table of remorse...yes, that's a real thing. Now, lets just look at pics of my beautiful family because even when they tire of my existence I still think they're pretty.

Solve, Pidg, solve.  That's the motto for the week.  Loves and kisses, flowers and hugs...and all that jazz.  Have a fabulous rest of the week.


Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Thought I'd say hey...

Okay, so what I'm actually doing here is trying to see if my fingers still recognize the keys.  Do the thoughts still pour from my twisted lil mind like the leak from a plastic pool?  Not sure.  What I do know is I woke up this morning from a broken night of sleep to a deep, gnawing, desire to begin writing again.  I'm back to update my 2.7 readers a lil on our life, our time and our daily antics.

Good stuff, bad stuff....just stuff in general.  Now with that lead in, who the heck wouldn't want to read further? (Insert derp look here)

All I know is, in the mess of what life deals out...I am still happy.

So in a quick overview here's where Pidg and her pidglets are at.  Third person makes me sound super classy and important...of that I'm sure.  Okay, maybe not...awkward and strange perhaps. Maybe not so much has changed after all. wink

So in all of the glory that is our life we will start with some triumphs.

Lil Red graduated!  Hala-freakin-loo-la! ..as Lil Man would say.  Holy cow, I thought this particular senior year lasted about 47 months.  But she did it.  And now she is free from that "hole" as she calls it ready to see what life has in store.  So far, I am sad to tell you, she is terribly disappointed; as we all are the moment we realize adulthood is a trap.

She and Kyle just celebrated their 6 month anniversary and bless that boy who is still trying to adapt to this motley crew that is our family - not to be mistaken with the metal band, we have better hair.

Then there is Moi and Marcus...oh they're just gonna be parents...WOO-FREAKIN-HOO!  Did you hear that? I'm gonna be a real live Grandma in December.  I imagine that anyone who knows me realizes there just aren't words for the excitement I am feeling.  They are just gonna produce the most beautiful and yummy baby it's not even funny.  We find out what it is on August 1st...oh the anticipation of what colors to start crocheting is killing me! Of course Mr. Police-Man-Guy loves to hand over the handcuffs to Lil Man every time they come over and Lil Man then decides to attach himself to anything and everyone he can find.  Sometimes Marcus has to step in to avoid a simple assault charge falling on one of my pidglets. wink  Oh and they just moved into a new place 2 minutes away from us!  I'm such a freak-show, but it's awesome!

So, the boys and Busy...well the pics give you the best explanation of how we're doing.

And then of course there is... Bai and I have decided to be mermaids; an obvious choice really.

My life is good.  Our lives our growing...there is a lot to be said and worked through but all in all, today; I'm just thankful for the winds that keep us together.

As far as my accomplishments, I shaved my legs today...didn't even have to be told by my pidglets. It's all about goals right? Deeper thoughts possibly to come, but let's be honest, I have no reason to rush when the current is nice and cool.

Enjoy your Tuesday, here's to hoping we survive the rest of the week.


Wednesday, September 23, 2015

To My Pidglets...

Oh you amazing and wonderful, ornery and independent loves of my life.  I'm feeling wise today... all motherly and such.  Okay maybe that's going a bit far.  However, while doing the dishes I asked one of you to do that you didn't... and not because I'm angry but because I love you... I started thinking - thinking about this.

Life is about change, trial, heartbreak and defeat.  Life is about triumph, success, goals reached and learning from the great and the not so good.  We have choices and I so hope that in all of my meddlesome flaws and cracked surfaces you find that in the matter of good and bad you remember that I always stood back up.

You're gorgeous physically and your guts are glorious too.  There are things, different things, in each of you I can lay a small claim to distributing to your DNA but mostly I see the future of what I want to become one day; once you're all done raising me.

We have an anthem in this family a motto of sorts, "SUCK IT UP AND BE A MAN"  By no means does this imply women aren't just as, if not stronger than men.  It's meant to be a way of life, an inspiration to not allow life to swallow you whole in all of it's twist turns, knives in the back and scraped knees.  And that my pidglets we do - and we do it well.

I see the potential in you that you don't have the years to acknowledge just yet.  I see the light in the darkened hallways of your heartbreaks and worries.  I feel your warmth when your souls are dampened.  While I've not ever been loved by a man, I am so truly loved, deeply loved, scream with laughter and tears type of adoration.  The irony is not lost on me.  But it's all because of you.  My beautiful plantlings that I will never turn my back on, never lose hope in and forever will you be my driving force - even when you've all flown the coop and spread those endlessly magnificent wings of yours.

In the past I have shared this and I believe it's time I rewrite, to share the growth our family has evolved to; just bear with me, I'm full of love right now just thinking of your treasured selves.

Bailey (Bai)

The Radiance:  She is the ray of warmth open arms, soft hands to wipe tears; a graceful voice of comfort.  Encouraging words, delivering support she is the right hand; the guardian to the throne.

McKenna (Moi  pronounced Moy)
The Healer: She sits quietly behind the scenes waiting to take her place.  She aids the tired bringing calm to the shaken soul.  Always there to pick up the pieces and stow them carefully in a small box of burden she keeps for all of us.

Hanna (Lil Red)

The Fire: She heats our cold spirits and lights our candles that diminish from strong winds of madness.  Her brightness illuminates our path and upon trudging towards a new journey, she always packs additional kindling.  Without her warmth, a cold winter we would bear.

Breelyn (Busy)

The Humor:  She fills our world with loud laughter and streams of smile.  Where there is ache, she crafts delight.  Loving giggles and mischief as a science, she quakes our world with vibrant color and whimsical spice.

Ethan (Lil “E”)

The Playful:  He stands close to all, watching, waiting for his opportunity to pounce.  With silly fits and tickling words, surprise attacks of love and thoughtful expressions, he reminds us it never remains dark.

Logan (Lil Man)

The Innocent:  He is a miracle of his own determination.  He brightens our trail with sweetness and iridescence cleansing our wounds he washes clean our worries setting free our troubles.

I have found that while my pidglets all posses the same talents as listed in the words above; they have evolved.  They have grown into warriors, fighters and protectors.  They have grown into themselves and what a presence they posses.

With that in mind, here is an updated love letter to my pidglets, the gifts of spice and wild-spirit I have been blessed to receive.

Bailey (Bai)

The Whisper:
She is the brightness from a darkened hallway. She has relinquished her post of sentry to the throne to cast upon her own head a glowing crown of thorn-less flowers. She seeks knowledge learning from the past, continually watching over her shoulder to insure we are safe. She has grown into her own life never leaving behind the family that sacrificed together, kept each other close; always making certain we know she is still here in spirit, in thought and in love.

McKenna (Moi – pronounced Moy)

The Sentry:
She has grown from the healer to The Guardian to the throne. She is self-appointed to the right hand of the Matriarch. Born into challenge she fights fearlessly to keep our sanity, our health and our bond. With wit as strong as a double edged sword she refuses to falter and never lets go of her duty as guard to those that kneel at her feet. Her love is deep, her compassion is her motivation. She feels, breathes in and absorbs the conflict; lashing out to the enemies that dare to threaten our peace. She is vigor, she is treasure, she is unknowingly the keeper of all.

Hanna (Lil Red)

The Fighter:
She is grounded but with large wings that will take her anywhere she desires to go in life. She is loyal and fiercely protective of her deepest loves. She is knowledge and she is strength; at times we pale in her shadow. She is conflicted, unable to see her potential; she is contradiction, standing on the line of what is right and what is real. She feels the ache of our pains so deeply. She will destroy, decimate and crush all that threaten our world; a world of spinning and swirling we have created together. She is laughter, she is love, she is steadfast. No one will be admitted without her approval. Her gloves are always off, she stands as she seems; a pillar of courage and the flame of warmth.

Breelyn (Busy)

The faithful:
While she holds to the laughter she possess within, she is now grasped the role of watcher. She is the mother-ling that attempts to speak her words of reason. Right or wrong she voices with authority sometimes forgetting she herself is a seedling. Her command is strong and her resilience is one with nature. Forgiving in the blink of an eye she only desires happiness for everyone. She is the illumination of hope and the seeker of all that is good. Her worries run deep, her nature is pure, her potential is endless. She is the keeper of records, ready to erase the pain and trials of others.

Ethan (Lil E)

The Knot:
He is the tie that binds us all together. He loves all and his roots are deeply planted. A boy who has become a man beyond his years in this home he listens and learns and becomes one with all. With a spirit that is unsure of himself he has grown into the glue that keeps us solid. In laughter and fits of ridiculousness he brings us close, he fights for his own voice, forever insuring we are never hurt or pricked by the pains of others. His humor is wild, his soul is tall and his nature is wonder. Keeping our seas calm and the storms at bay he holds together a home of lasting faith and a desire to be more. He wears his heart upon his benevolent cladding. At the end of the day, love is all he remembers.

Logan (Lil Man)

The Teacher:
Born last to the clan he is the keeper of men and woman. Though young, his mind is ever-changing, ever-growing. He sees all sides and give us wisdom beyond his age of another's view on life. He changes, heals and loves. With a gentle hug and thoughtful word his cunning foresight creeps into our thoughts and breaks anger, changes hurtful opinions allowing us to sail through the storm; seeing the world for the beauty it possesses. He is the calm, he is the quiet, he is our conscience of good. He draws lines for us to follow bringing us back to each other. He is a listener, a peacemaker, a tolerant warrior who works well for and with others. With a smile that might charm a Queen he uses his powers to grow and spread insight. The best of the last, the exclamation point at the end of the sentence.

My children… the astounding reminder that Heaven exists… the glow of my hazel eyes and my reason to breathe.

They are the one BEAUTIFUL nature I have given back to the world.


Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Looking up...

So here's the thing.  I've been wanting to start writing again; not sure why just got that feeling.  I certainly didn't expect to make my splash back into the pond by way of the title "Things fall apart" but... it happens.

All I know as of right now is things fall apart and almost instantly the pieces miraculously start creating this new puzzle - a life - my life - the one I lost track of.

Everyone is still asking, "Are you okay?"  Some, I am sure, are mocking me, believing rumors or just believing the bad in the ones that don't particularly care what they think.  Most, though, are sincere in their questions.

Hey guys... I am so much more than okay.  I promise.  "They" say I'm strong, "they" like to give me words of advice and comfort, tomorrow's another day...or... stay strong... or you've got this... or you deserve better...  and it's true... and I do... and I have better.

These past few weeks I've gotten my family back.  Oh please, yes we still are wild in manner and they argue about chores they don't want to do or the things others should be doing, but we are together.  Time spent, together.  No one is off in their room because they are made to feel uncomfortable or bothersome.  We laugh, we throw verbal darts just to get a rise out of each other, we eat, we sit on the porch and giggle.  The girls sit on the ledge just to see Moi panic thinking they're going to fall off.  We talk, we watch movies, we blast music and we move, we grow, we love.

I've been doing a series of daily mental checks on myself because I'm odd like that. Okay Pidg, are you compartmentalizing?  Are you bottling?  Are you suppressing feelings of pain and hurt and just attempting to look happy on the outside?

Umm... strangely, no. My smile is sincere, my walk is tall and my mind at ease.

I've received my closure; the closure I knew because of the behavior of one and the confirmation in a look from another and suddenly admission... then I felt the weight of 8,000 bricks fall off my shoulders like a bird released from it's egg.  I am not crazy. I am the lucky one with seedlings in my pocket and sun on my face.  I hold the privilege of regrowth, fresh air and new, empty pages to fill with stories of endless potential.

The pages of the book closed and it sits now on the shelf of my life waiting to be layered with years of dust.  The end.

I am blessed.  I have my family together, and I can support them, we stay in our house, our home that has been our place of refuge, peace, loud laughter and sharp wit.  We apologize for nothing.  We soak up the rays of the sun, the winds of Fall are whispering grins into our minds, the hope of what we can do with our lives when we all grow up is here; it's on the table for discussion.  I'm smiling as I'm writing - fingers to keys, pen to paper... I'm back.  I with my pidglets are on the road to recover something lost; our freedom.

And from where I'm standing, I can see it at the top.